The guitars twangy reper toire filled my vintage Ford truck as I turned left into the packed parking lot.
“Wow, that takes me back a bit,” I respond by turning up the thunderous eruption of drums and bass and after a couple of measures the singer enthralls:
“Some say the end is near; Some say we’ll see Armageddon soon; Certainly hope we will; I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit, three ring, circus-sideshow of freaks and…”
Then I realized the song was now considered a classic since it was released sixteen years ago in 1996. Then the song “What a drag it is getting old” raced across my mind as I realized I too am classic since I graduated High school seven years before that. Thank God perpetual tardiness kept me from dwelling on those negative feelings any longer.
I consider myself a gracefully lanky individual as I climb the steady ramp. Trying to be debonair can sometimes come easy to a person with slight Hispanic tones, so my thin goatee and thick black hair tied back into a ponytail dont look to out of place.Well lets face it, slicking long hair back into a ponytail is the quickest and easiest way not to look disgusting, especially when that wedding is in an hour and you havent even showered yet.
Yep, the two phrases my mother used often to try and compensate for all of my shortcomings were “He has potential” and “He cleans up nicely.” Hey, at least I shaved?
The tight black overcoat I was wearing kept repressing my shins as I walked past the sign for this locally known hall affectionately dubbed the“Beal House”. I held in a deep breathe of nervousness, all the while trying to remind myself that this place and ones like it are the most inviting sanctuaries to those in recovery.
I looked inside the single glass entrance door, exposed was a tiny great room with a stage towards the back that was used for theater events and the occasional local rock band that would put on a show or two. Before the stage was an intimate table of a dozen or so people listening to the chairperson introduce himself, the purpose of the gathering, and the few simple rules.
I was late! Damn I hated that.
While entering I was reminded of my first time at this meeting about four months ago, New Years Eve. How one of the members and I talked for an hour and a half after the meeting about how our addictions had ended up methodically ruining our lives.
“Theres Russthere” I said to myself, easily identifying him by his waving and gesturing to an empty seat to his right. I walked over and sat down beside him after customarily shaking my newfriends hand.
Lapsing back to that first meeting talking to Russ, how he had told me his sponsor-to-be approached him at his very first time with open arms and support.
I may be green to this stint of sobriety, but I wasnt virgin to the program. “Never” I said, “Ive invested over a decade to these halls and no one ever so much talked to me none the less.”
Yeah, but I then realized Russ was doing just that so I shut up and took it as the closest thing to a sign, asking Russ for the same type of support though not exactly sure what that entitled.
After the chairperson Don, an agnostic with over a decade of sobriety (another reason I liked this meeting) finished speaking, he asked if there was anyone who wished to share their experience, strength and hope. A stocky bald man raised his hand and was called upon.
“Hi, my name is Jack but my friends call me Happy- because if I wake up in the morning Im already happy!”
There was a call out of “Hi Happy Jack.”
“Anyways, I started drinking, drugging, and smoking cigarettes all by the age of ten. Back in the early eighties you could walk up to any gas station with a forged note saying you were allowed to purchase cigarettes for your parents and score. That and the easy access to cigarette machines made it seem almost acceptable.”
“Older brothers or kids from the
neighborhood supplied most of the pot and alcohol. We also stole booze from our parents, and even weaseled into restaurants after hours through scarcely secured access panels or cubby holesto get our fix. Sometimes wed even just snatch-and-grab from the open back doors of package stores, social lodges, or bars. And much like an animal that has all day to find ways into your home, it wasnt that hard to do.”
“At thirteen I had my first overdose. After drinking too much vodka I was found on the side of the road and wound up spending the next three days hospitalized in a coma. I remember waking up in the hospital to mother by my side. For me, high school was just a social medium where you could obtain any drug you wanted. Weed was always there, yet during the eighties cocaine and acid wereextremely plentiful where I grew up.”
“By sixteen a friend and I were working as dish washers at a local restaurant. Not only did they feed us drinks during the night, we would regularly steal alcohol and one of the cooks was the biggest coke dealer in the area.”
“Everyone was high!”
“My mother would pick us up and Id ask if I could drive home because I had my learners permit and would be holding my breath and oneeyeing it all the way there.”
“It was my intention to experience every drug by any means within my reach. The more intense the pleasure the better, so when someone mentioned they had a friend who use to shoot up alcohol, I gave it a try. Unfortunately youre better off just drinking it if you want the best effect. But I soon learned that wasnt necessarily the case when it came to cocaine.”
“So it really shouldnt have been any surprise that I got into my first drunk driving accident only a year after getting my license. I nearly killed my passenger and the other driver when I took a quick left turn in front of an oncoming SUV. Both cars were totaled but some how I left the scene, still obliterated, and nursed my car two miles to my house without getting caught.”
“I went into work the next day, because no good alcoholic misses a day of work due to his drinking, and turned myself in to the police afterwards. I said I was scared and received a hundred dollar fine for driving to endanger, basically it was a slap in the wrist I just didnt learn from.”
“The easiest way to best describe my childhood would be“I was a pass out, black out, piss your pants drunk” by the age of twenty, and it didnt get any better after I turned twenty-one. But I was a hard worker and always had a job, I just chalked it up to “I work hard and I play harder.” But were not here to compare or bore each other with „War stories”, we all have them and theyre all pretty much the same.”
“I drank and drugged to excess and here I am!”
“But it was that car accident at seventeen where I was first introduced to this program. And here I am almost twenty years later hopefully just starting to get it.”
“I often hear this program being referred as a tool, and at first it became a tool I used to wait out the storm until people got off my back about my drinking. Dont get me wrong, I was remorseful, but that faded quickly and after a couple of months even my family and friends thought I wascured.”
“And thats how it went for twenty years, enduring the unnecessary bullshit I caused by my drinking, occasionally coming in these halls when the shit really hit the fan, and then going right back out and trying it again.”
“Ive always had a love of learning, whether its new experiences and emotions or just reading about something. Thats pretty much the reason I first tried alcohol, I was curious and wanted to know what it was about. And after I found out, I was in love with the instant gratifying pleasure that alcohol and drugs would easily bring.”
“ And I learned how to use this instant pleasure as an emotional tool to help influence any negative feelings I may feel; sadness, loneliness, anger, boredom, fear. Even when I was already happy I would get greedy and want to get happier. And when I made a mistake I dwelled on it and beat myself up with heavy drinking to the point of obliteration.”
“So when I finally crashed after twenty five years of drinking it was no surprise I just wanted to learn what the hell happened, where did I exactly gowrong?”
“Now I could go on about all of the cognitive distortions, the so called „alcoholic way of thinking and behaving that I suffer from and just assumed everyone thought that way! How I see everything as „all or nothing or how I would dwell on the negatives and discredit any positives in a vicious cycle of worthlessness. But instead, to quickly finish up, I recently read a true story that I believe helps sum up my twisted way of thinking.”
“It was about a man, who after years of abusive drinking burned out his throat and couldnt drink anymore, or so you would think. But he somehow came up with the idea of an “Alcoholic enema.” After some time of
convincing his wife to help him with the procedure, they poured a full bottle of sherry into the enema bag and went into the bathroom to do it.”
“ But apparently when you do this you bypass the liver which usually filters out about 90% of the alcohol you drink. This instantly left the man wasted before he could reach the bedroom with a blood alcohol level of 5.7%, where anything over 4.0 will usually put someone in a coma. His wife thought he would just sleep it off, but he died rather quickly.”
“Now t he fact that this man came up with, and followed through on this idea is a great example ofan alcoholics way of thinking on its own.”
“But instead of saying „Man, that guy was sick or even „What an idiot, my first thought was „If you only did a quarter of the bottle youd probably be alright. Youd have a BAC of about 1.5%, plus youd be bypassing the liver and not have to worry about damaging it. And thats how really SICK I am! Well anyways, thanks for listening. Take care!”
“Thank You Jack” everyone replied.Before the meeting ended there was a raffle and collection, as the program is entirely self supported and refuses any outside help of any kind; therefore avoiding any outside influences, distractions, and possible conflicts of interests.
Did I mention I arrived late?
So as people were saying their goodbyes
“Hey brother, hows it going?” I said to the average thin framed thirty-something.
“Not bad. Im watching my baby girl while the wife goes off to work, which is definitely a whole new experience for me, but other than that” His short wavy brown hair and freckled face waffled in smoke.“Itll take some getting use to, but it seems to be working out alright!”
“You know,” I felt I had to get my „two cents short of a dime in “I love when men say taking care of children is a womans job because itusually means its too much for a man to handle.” Russ just chuckled at that.
“Im serious” I continued, “Women have quietly carried men on their backs since the beginning of time, its about time we pick up the slack” My reassurance Russ was doing the most manly thing a guy can do didnt entirely miss the mark.
“Plus think how much closer your relationship with your daughter will be as she grows older. Most parents dream of such bonding with their children.”
“Yeah, I know. Its just a little weird right now. How are you doing?” Russ quickly got off the awkward subject.
“Hanging in there, Ive only got a little sobriety under my belt but things seem to be going well so far.”
Both of us were well aware of the so called “Pink cloud” syndrome. Thats where people in early sobriety start to feel betterbecause theyre not drinking anymore andbegin to think theyre cured. So they think they can control their drinking and go out to give it another try.
Or sometimes peoples emotions can come crashing back to Earth after the initial wellness of being sober and they fall back to the only thing they know, drinking and drugging.
I d idnt stick around too long this time, after telling Russ goodbye I climbed back into that vintage (still sturdy, but falling apart) truck. My mind has been racing lately and I over analyzed everything, especially my thoughts on addiction.
I have this bad habit (the program calls it a character defect) of always trying to pinpoint the reasons why I drank and drugged the way I did. And unfortunately this character defect of mine spills into all aspects of life- everything has an origin and everything has a reason.
But I’m getting better at not doing this- Well kind of!Anyways, I was raised up humble and grateful- being given everything I wanted as a child although my parents were struggling and dirt poor. I often try to remind them I do know how much money it takes to play a season of youth hockey, which I wanted to do because all of my friends did it.
Eve spoiled down to my geographical upbringings. I was raised along the ocean in Kingston, Massachusetts, the unknown town just north of historic Plymouth, Ma. (We do have a mall you know!)
And then later living in beautiful Fitchburg, Ma., a city dotted amongst rolling hills near the New Hampshire border. It was like living in the majestic Granite State yet without the isolation and loneliness the deep woods can bring.
My thirst for knowledge will always be insatiable. To me knowledge brings the kind of leverage that will always increase the number of options a person will have at any given time.
And its because of that thirst Ive come to realize an arrogance in my way of thinking. I often felt like I was in such control of my life I could afford to liven things up through the chaotic excitement drugs and alcohol always seemed to bring.
The downside? Because of this over analytical thinking and obsession with the future, understanding the concept of “One day at a time” didnt come easily or quickly. A future deprived of the instant pleasure of drugs and alcohol seemed forever impossible to me.
With my thoughts always on the future, while trying to remember and apply lessons of the past, the future of mankind and the
possibilities of where we may be heading are a constant source of wonder.
Technology seems to be quickening lifes natural process, hopefully bettering our odds of survival. Yet technology may also be hastening the pace towards our demise. Being an impatient soul I preferred the way things are going, though would probably feel safer if nature was doing it alone at a snails pace.
Cell cloning for example, could be disastrous, by accidentally giving our arch enemy the virus knowledge we dont want it to have. It seems to be already learning fast enough, especially when it comes to reproduction. If the virus learns to survive on its own it could practically eliminate all known life on Earth fairly quickly. Maybe not in the colder climates at first but Manuel was pretty sure the virus would soon adapt to survive.
Then theres the future of stellar evolution and the universe to think about. Can there be existence without cycles? This is how my mind continually spins in a constant source of ideas.
“Yeah , but whatever!” I could blow a fart out of my ass tomorrow so violent that I die of a brain hemorrhage. Its just that theres really nothing better to do than think. Shit, I should be writing this down!
II LIGHTS, CAMERAS, ACTION IIThe stage manager signaled the count “And three, two, one.” The lights rose to a brilliance as the audience jumped to their feet in applause. “And now, live from New York” the announcer begins as I watch from the edge of the stage.
The dressing rooms were wired with the show but this was a once in a life time
opportunity, I can watch TV tomorrow. And being over six feet tall I had the perfect view even with people in front of me.
With the monologue done, the host now prepared himself as the commercials rolled. I was on deck but currently in the way I headed to my dressing room.
The first guest was a former porn star turned advocate who wasnow “No holds barred” against the business. Trying to make a positive from a negative was a trait I probably admired the most, especially since thats pretty much the way Ive spent my entire life.
It was hard not to overlook her sexual appealthough; about 59”, blue eyes, and bleached blond hairtheres something about a girl with artificially inseminated blondness that turns me on even more, almost like shes going to try harder to be wild. Listening to her finish her story I noticed my cue.Shit, aren’t there people for this I think as I rush to the stage.
“Our next guest is an unknown author who wrote his thoughts on human behavior and why people may become addicted to just about anything. Please welcome Manuel Samson.”
Leaving the comfort of back stage I head out, an anxious rush crept into myhead. “Oh God,please dont paralyze me now” I think while drawing a deep breath. I just kept walking across the stage while trying to contain a genuine smile.
Taking a seat between the tall Irish host and the previous guest still sitting on the couch, I wholeheartedly thanked the audience for the applause. Keeping the interview simple was dancing across my mind.
“Have you met Jennifer?” The questioner
“No I havent, and yes I would like to!” I turned to face the stunning beauty and shake her hand.
“Any thought of going into the business yourself?” the red headed veteran behind the desk playfully tested.
“No, its that genetics thing” my laughing disbelief evident. “Besides, I dont know if youve watched one of those movies lately, I mean two guys and a gal is like all the rage” the crowd cautiously chuckled.
“I was watching one once thinking to myself„How do you compete with that? Two zucchini and a summer squash?” And yet I continue, “Dont get me wrong ladies my ultimate goal is to get you off without even having to touch you, soI mean, Ill definitely try my hardest- no pun intended!”
“Ill w alk into the room wearing two strapons saying“Honey, I saw this in a cartoon but Im pretty sure we can do it!” For some God known reason I stood up and placed his hands to my hips and turned my head side to side like Tim Taylors Tool Man, doing everything but grunt.
“Telescoping dildo” motioning as if I was taking a rifle from my back. “Laser sights,” I continued by aiming the imaginary weapon at the crowd, who were kind of laughing at least. “I dont mean to poke fun at it” turning to Jennifer “But for better or worse, it definitely got me thinking.”
“Okaayy” the shows freckled faced star chimed in to put an end to that tangent and went for more serious overtures. “What did you do before you wrote your book?”
“I was self employed. An assassination specialist” I quipped.
“A what?” the host curiously parleyed. “A contractual killer. Purely for the money though, I mean, Im not sick!”
“Well yeah, who is?” the interviewer conveyed.
“Thats Conrad with a “C” right?” And when Conrad agreed, “Whew” I feigned relief “Because boy could that have been kind of awkward!”
“No really, I was a sitcom writer, and theres a good reason why that didnt quite pan out. Before I got sober my attitude was “Cash up front and caring costs extra!” Where as now I actually care when I suck,and moneys not a top priority.”
“So you wrote a book about what you think is the root cause and common denominator of all addictions” Conrad plied.
“When I speak, I sometimes begin with „Hi my names Manuel, and Im addicted to everything! And I am! If it gives me pleasure Im already addicted to it. The problem for me comes with the need to control that pleasure.”
“And its that same desire for control and power that seems to be the underlying cause or “common denominator” of all addictions, as people seem able to become addicted to just about everything. Alcohol, drugs, money, sex, weapons, thrill seeking, exercise; I mean, Yogi Bear was even addicted to picnic baskets so…” there was a collective twitter from the crowd.
“No seriously, some people find emotional comfort in food or even some seem to find pleasure in the sound of their own voice, just about anything. The book is more or less about the emotional (and physical) controls and the many ways in which people try to achieve it!”
“So what are you saying” the host intervened, “Were all a bunch of walking junkies?”
“Well, sort of. I mean, I guess were all control freaks on various levels!”
“Now are you religious?” The que stioner queried. “Because Ive heard religions a big part of many recovery programs?”
“As the late Rev. William Coffin Jr. was fond of saying „Too many people use religion as a drunk uses a lamp post! Thats because to us everything is a tool, and every tool is leverage to gain control and has the potential for people to be too dependant on!”
“I have to admit, I had a problem with God for over thirty years so I can see where people think these programs are religious cults. But because its a „God of your understanding it seems to lesson any pressure of having to choose a God. It could be Rau the ancient Egyptian Sun God for all they care, as long as you put something greater than yourself in control.”
“Ive got to admit, this is „information overload” Conrad tried keeping up with my babbling, so I just kept going.
“Its not that I disliked religion, its just getting over that blind faith thing. To me that sounds peculiarly similar to „ignorance is bliss and thats just another philosophy I cant quite fully believe in. God to me was merely timing! Everything from the sperm hitting the egg to the second you die is timing. The words of evil and sin translated into human selfishness, and so on. Its actually timing that we can perceive things the way we do today in a sort of a coming of age thing!”
“I see,” Conrad incubated Manuels thoughts onward.
“But I can see how religion works so well. After falling on my face this last time I wound up in a halfway house. I had to give up certain freedoms in my life and follow their prescribed rules in order to get back control and freedom from my addictions.”
“And this seems to be how religion works,” I kept going,and going… “You abide by their rules and rituals to obtain a peace of mind, or emotional control, over manyof lifes chaoss and fears. It would seem to be the fear of lifes many unknowns, with death probably being one of the biggest! Its funny how all religions, no matter how different they may be, seem to have some sort of afterlife!”
Conrad chimed in “So what happened, because as I understand it you have come to believe in God as yourhigher power.”
“Absolutely, who do you think keeps me honest!Its that possibility that God may exist that scares me strait. Plus early in sobriety I was actually jealous of the people that seemed to have that free, natural high that religion can bring and was like „Sign me up. But I tend to be on the logical side soit wasnt that easy, and I started studying all of the major religions to see which one mightbest fit my philosophy.”
“Im also the type of person that needs physical proof to be convinced; I can see where someone that survived an accident or had a near death experience believes in God because of it. But I have lived my life relatively unscathed, pretty much gettingout of the many holes Ive dug,at least to date.”
“I even caught myself saying getting out of holes was my forte. But then I thought about that. Sure I can dig pretty deep, but getting out was another story. Family, friends, and the doctors that helped me without compensation; right down to the two probation officers that saved my ass. There just seems to be some kind of force that drawsme to good people.”
“All I knew was that I was grateful, but because I hadnt prescribed to any particular religion I didnt know which one to be grateful to so I figured Im pretty much in debt to them all. Because if you do me a favor Im going to try like hell to pay you back, with interest if possible. And that philosophy is actually the best fit for me because I also need all the help I can get!”
“But how i s that possible, believing in all religions at once?” the host finally edged a word in between my holy ramblings.
“I dont nece ssarily believe in an afterlife, it would be nice, but Im not counting on it. Its not that I dont fear death, of course I do, immensely. But if there was a burning building or someone getting robbed at gunpoint Id like to believeI wouldnt think twice about helping. If I die, it was just my time.”
“So I try to look up to the sky and imagine all of the Gods together saying „Join us! Not pushingand shoving each other saying „Join me; no join me, onlyI know the way; or youll burn in hell or wont go to heaven if you dont follow me. Unfortunately, to me this is what religion has sort of become.”
“Because if the Gods really do care about humanity, and I believe they do because theyve gotten us this far, then that is what they would be sayingbecause theres definitely strength in numbers!”
“ Interesting” Conrad seemed to be hurrying things along a bit.“You also had an idea for an anti-drug commercial in the finishing stages that you brought a copy of. Can we roll that?” he looked towards the stage hand.
“The finished product may be a little different but…” I shut up when the commercial began.
It begins with a computer atop a thin metal table. In walks a veteran musician from the right side of the screen who begins with “Without memory, we would never exist. And here we are replicating the brain in all its glory.” He looks down towards the desk top device.
From the other side walks in the guitarist with his guitar slung over his shoulder like an axe. When he gets to the computer he pauses, then begins smashing the computer with his instrument.
He stops, but then continues the tirade once more for good measure until he gets what he intended: a pile of plastic silicon and the body of the guitar hanging from its neck by the strings. He slings his rhythmic mess back over his right shoulder and faces the camera as the singer continues with the message.
“It’s your mind, do what you want!” He then raises his index finger towards the screen, “But if you think you can recover from brain damage” (a clip of an old rocker who can barely speak or function properly due to drug and alcohol abuse cuts in) “Think again!”
“Try fixing that!” the guita rists finally spoke.“And you can’t just go out and buy another one…” appears on the bottom of the screen as the two band members walk away with the camera zooming in to the mess left upon the table: Thus leaving viewers to ponder trying to re-building such an overwhelmingly damaged machine.
The crowd clapped with the reappearance of lights as the host commended.“Nice job. Im sorry, but were running out of time. Quickly though, what are you going to be up to next!”
“Tomorrow Ive been invited to speak at a unity dinner, and I still have one more story Im working on.”
“Excellent, it was a pleasure meeting you.And youre welcome back anytime, good luck to the both ofyou” they all shook hands.
“Thank you,” I replied.
Conrad ended with “Well be right back,”
after which the stage manager stepped in, “And cut.” Everybody off stage went into action to prepare for the next guests, a local musical group who are quickly gaining recognition.
“Thank you bothfor coming” the young hosts sincerity was warmly apparent as he shook Jennifers and my hand one last time before heading on his way.
*
Walking to the dressing room I realized something, I had been on an emotional high for the last couple of months, but this was it. This was the highest Ive ever been in my life and amazingly it was while being sober! All those years wasted trying to get a quick fix, and all of the damage it caused. If Id just been smart enough to use my mind and time more
appropriately like I have recently, all those ideas and thoughtsthroughout the years wouldnt have been lost.
I’ve got t o stop dwelling on the past, I thought while trying to distract myself with tomorrow nights speech. Any nervousness I experienced on the talk show was already overshadowed by the anxiety I already felt towards my speech tomorrow.Its funny how the more I care about something, the more nervous I become.
After double checking the dressing room for anything I may have left behind, though most of what little I owned was back at the hotel room. I headed towards the exit, then for some unknown reason began quickening my pace.
Oh my god would you look at that ass , I practically walked into the blond in front of me. Turning around she caught me looking, Oops!
“Jennifer, how are you? Did you change youre clothes after the show?”
“Yeah Im not into dressing up. Where are you heading off to?”
“Im not really sure, I mean it is stil