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Letter 30
Evelina To The Rev. Mr. Villars Howard Grove, May 6
THE die is thrown, and I attend the event in trembling! Lady Howard has written
to Paris, and sent her letter to town, to be forwarded in the ambassador's packet;
and, in less than a fortnight, therefore, she expects an answer. O, Sir, with what
anxious impatience shall I wait its arrival! upon it seems to depend the fate of my
future life. My solicitude is so great, and my suspense so painful, that I cannot
rest a moment in peace, or turn my thoughts into any other channel.
Deeply interested as I now am in the event, most sincerely do I regret that the
plan was ever proposed. Methinks it cannot end to my satisfaction: for either I
must be torn from the arms of my more than father,-or I must have the misery of
being finally convinced, that I am cruelly rejected by him who has the natural
claim to that dear title, which to write, mention, or think of, fills my whole soul with
filial tenderness.
The subject is discussed here eternally. Captain Mirvan and Madame Duval, as
usual, quarrel whenever it is started: but I am so wholly engrossed by my own
reflections, that I cannot even listen to them. My imagination changes the scene
perpetually: one moment, I am embraced by a kind and relenting parent, who
takes me to that heart from which I have hitherto been banished, and
supplicates, through me, peace and forgiveness from the ashes of my mother!-at
another, he regards me with detestation, considers me as the living image of an
injured saint, and repulses me with horror!-But I will not afflict you with the
melancholy phantasms of my brain; I will endeavour to compose my mind to a
more tranquil state, and forbear to write again till I have in some measure
May Heaven bless you, my dearest Sir! and long, long may it continue you on
earth, to bless Your grateful EVELINA