Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.
--- Bishop Hall's Satires.
I AM --- that is to say I was --- a great man; but I am neither the author of Junius nor the
man in the mask; for my name, I believe, is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in
the city of Fum-Fudge.
The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands. My mother
saw this and called me a genius: --- my father wept for joy and presented me with a
treatise on Nosology. This I mastered before I was breeched.
I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand that, provided
a man had a nose sufficiently conspicuous, he might, by merely following it, arrive at a
Lionship. But my attention was not confined to theories alone. Every morning I gave my
proboscis a couple of pulls and swallowed a half dozen of drams.
When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step with him into his
study.
"My son," said he, when we were seated, "what is the chief end of your existence?"
"My father," I answered, "it is the study of Nosology."
"And what, Robert," he inquired, "is Nosology?"
"Sir," I said, "it is the Science of Noses."
"And can you tell me," he demanded, "what is the meaning of a nose?"
"A nose, my father," I replied, greatly softened, "has been variously defined by about a
thousand different authors." [Here I pulled out my watch.] "It is now noon or thereabouts
--- we shall have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To
commence then: --- The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance -- that bump
--- that excrescence --- that --- "
"Will do, Robert," interrupted the good old gentleman. "I am thunderstruck at the
extent of your information --- I am positively -- upon my soul." [Here he closed his eyes
and placed his hand upon his heart.] "Come here!" [Here he took me by the arm.] "Your
education may now be considered as finished --- it is high time you should scuffle for
yourself --- and you cannot do a better thing than merely follow your nose --- so --- so ---
so --- " [Here he kicked me down stairs and out of the door] --- "so get out of my house,
and God bless you!"
