How To Write A Blackwood Article
"In the name of the Prophet --- figs!!"
--- Cry of the Turkish fig-peddler
I PRESUME everybody has heard of me. My name is the Signora Psyche Zenobia. This I
know to be a fact. Nobody but my enemies ever calls me Suky Snobbs. I have been
assured that Suky is but a vulgar corruption of Psyche, which is good Greek, and means
"the soul" (that's me, I'm all soul) and sometimes "a butterfly," which latter meaning
undoubtedly alludes to my appearance in my new crimson satin dress, with the sky-blue
Arabian mantelet, and the trimmings of green agraffas, and the seven flounces of orange-
colored auriculas. As for Snobbs --- any person who should look at me would be
instantly aware that my name wasn't Snobbs. Miss Tabitha Turnip propagated that report
through sheer envy. Tabitha Turnip indeed! Oh the little wretch! But what can we expect
from a turnip? Wonder if she remembers the old adage about "blood out of a turnip,"
etc.? [Mem. put her in mind of it the first opportunity.] [Mem. again --- pull her nose.]
Where was I? Ah! I have been assured that Snobbs is a mere corruption of Zenobia, and
that Zenobia was a queen --- (So am I. Dr. Moneypenny always calls me the Queen of the
Hearts) --- and that Zenobia, as well as Psyche, is good Greek, and that my father was "a
Greek," and that consequently I have a right to our patronymic, which is Zenobia and not
by any means Snobbs. Nobody but Tabitha Turnip calls me Suky Snobbs. I am the
Signora Psyche Zenobia.
As I said before, everybody has heard of me. I am that very Signora Psyche Zenobia,
so justly celebrated as corresponding secretary to the "Philadelphia, Regular, Exchange,
Tea, Total, Young, Belles, Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical,
Association, To, Civilize, Humanity." Dr. Moneypenny made the title for us, and says he
chose it because it sounded big like an empty rum-puncheon. (A vulgar man that
sometimes --- but he's deep.) We all sign the initials of the society after our names, in the
fashion of the R. S. A., Royal Society of Arts --- the S. D. U. K., Society for the
Diffusion of Useful Knowledge, &c, &c. Dr. Moneypenny says that S. stands for stale,
and that D. U. K. spells duck, (but it don't,) that S. D. U. K. stands for Stale Duck and not
for Lord Brougham's society --- but then Dr. Moneypenny is such a queer man that I am
never sure when he is telling me the truth. At any rate we always add to our names the
initials P. R. E. T. T. Y. B. L. U. E. B. A. T. C. H. --- that is to say, Philadelphia, Regular,
Exchange, Tea, Total, Young, Belles, Lettres, Universal, Experimental, Bibliographical,
Association, To, Civilize, Humanity --- one letter for each word, which is a decided
improvement upon Lord Brougham. Dr. Moneypenny will have it that our initials give
our true character --- but for my life I can't see what he means.
Notwithstanding the good offices of the Doctor, and the strenuous exertions of the
association to get itself into notice, it met with no very great success until I joined it. The
truth is, the members indulged in too flippant a tone of discussion. The papers read every
Saturday evening were characterized less by depth than buffoonery. They were all
whipped syllabub. There was no investigation of first causes, first principles. There was
