Bob Makransky's Magical Sampler
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Why Love Relationships Fail
Love relationships fail because at no time in our training by society are we given a
factual model of what a love relationship is, or how to make one succeed. There are
fundamentally three levels on which intimate relationships operate, and our social
training only prepares us to deal with one of them – the most superficial one – and even
that one ineptly. This superficial level is called the expectations level. It is usually the
only level we address consciously.
The expectations level consists of all our self-images and self-importance. When
we primp ourselves in front of a mirror, what we are primping is our expectations of
other people. It’s the level of our daydreams and fantasies, whereon everyone is as
impressed with us as we are with ourselves.
On the expectations level what interests us the most about a prospective partner is
his or her physical attractiveness, manner of dress and bearing, social and educational
background, future prospects, how “cool” he or she is, how he or she reflects back on us,
what others will think of us for having chosen this partner.
On the expectations level a “love relationship” is actually an approval agreement,
a contract, To Wit: “The party of the first part hereby agrees to pretend to honor, love,
cherish and obey the party of the second part; in return for which considerations the party
of the second part agrees not to hurt, betray, nor expose to public embarrassment the
party of the first part (see appended schedule of specific acts which shall be deemed to
constitute ‘hurt’, ‘betrayal’, and ‘public embarrassment’). Any violation of this
agreement by either party shall be considered valid grounds for spitefulness, vengeance,
and all manner of carrying on like a big baby.”
On the expectations level we submit ourselves to another person not for love, but
for approval. Love and approval have nothing to do with one another. Love is a light,
joyous, happy feeling; receiving approval is a tight, clinging, possessive feeling, which
does, however, have an ego rush behind it. That ego rush is not joy – it’s glory, self-
importance, which we have been trained to seek instead of love.
The expectations level must eventually wear out because its basic premise is
getting something for nothing. On this level everything we’re putting out (“giving”) is
phony – it’s just to impress other people, or to get something more in return. We’re
putting out phoniness in the hope of getting something real (happiness) back. And that’s
not how the universe is set up. There are no free lunches or free rides out there.