Blood, Sweat and Tea
...If you have a medical condition, please don't use it as an excuse to get taken into hospital. If you tell me 'I'm
drunk and need to sleep it off', I have less work to do than if you tell me that you have 'Chest pain, Angina,
Cancer and Difficulty in Breathing'. The more tests I have to do the longer it will be before you get to
hospital, and the more I have to come into physical contact with you. If you are just drunk, then I can just be a
...When you have been sick, at some point in the next week or so, could you please change your clothing.
Give them to someone who hasn't knackered their brain on booze to wash. Dry vomit on the clothing, while
advertising your love for beer, doesn't endear yourself to me thankyouverymuch.
...Please keep your weight down either through diet or terminal liver failure. I'm the poor bastard that has to
lug the dead weight of your unconscious body into the ambulance.
...You don't have to tell me 'I'm an alcoholic', and sound so proud about it. I do have a nose, and can smell for
...Finally although Tennent's Super Strong lager, White Lightning, and for the rare rich alcoholic Stella Artois
are perfectly acceptable drinks, could you please come up with something less damaging? I think lighter fuel
is better for you and contains fewer chemicals.
A Child is Born...
The story of the first baby I delivered - I can still remember it now. I can also remember my feeling of relief
when it all went smoothly. Yet still managed to turn it into a rant about Midwifery.
Just in from my late-shift and feeling more upbeat than normal. Tonight I delivered my first baby... and yet I
can still turn this happy event into a rant.
Picture the scene, you are a midwife (this means you have a chip on your shoulder the size of the African
debt), and a lady comes in to your maternity department in the second stage of labour. Do you...
(a) Say hello, take a room and we'll have that baby out as soon as we can, or...
(b) Tell them to go home and come back when the pain gets worse.
Guess which answer results in your baby being delivered by an ambulance bloke who has 1days' training in
maternity (and who, to be honest, slept through most of it)?
Then when I take mother and baby into the same maternity department are you...
(a) Vaguely apologetic, or...
(b) Snotty towards the ambulance crew who did your work for you.
Can you guess that tonight I got (b) for both questions?
Otherwise it was a nice simple delivery, with dad shooting pictures on his mobile phone sending them to all
and sundry while his wife was lying, bloodstained and naked on a leather sofa. Blood went all over that sofa,
which come summer will start to smell just a little rank. Blood also went all over me (note to self - must
remember to pack Wellington boots next time) and my acting skills ('Don't worry mum, all normal, I've done
hundreds of deliveries') were tested to the limit.