Barefoot on Thin Ice
Professors can't party
The house next door took the nether end of college pretty seriously.
They spilled more beer than they ate food. The cops had even given up,
which is a first in this town. But they always invited me to the ir parties,
as if I would tell. One night, I said yes.
A strikingly beautiful woman with auburn hair and big brown eyes lost
her balance while trying to stick her tongue in a guy's mouth and spilled
her beer on him. He didn't notice, but I heard the applause. Yes, we were
There was a woman in the room with her back to the corner, alone. She
was not. I understood. We had reinvented the zoo, with bars inverted.
So naturally I was put on the spot. A girl walked up and said "Hey, you
can't party, you're a professor!" There's the red rag to the bull: For this I
spent eight years in college?" It was time for Elvis to join us.
Elvis was small for a potbellied pig, but he brought the point across, and
he loved me. He also loved milk and the gentle art of peeing on things.
My kid incarnate. The kids huddled up to see if I understood what a
university was, and Mimi brought me a glass of milk.
I laid down, filled my mouth with milk, and let Elvis do his thing. Mimi
probably has never looked at a glass of milk the same since, and the
students finally realized that we were all one. But the pig had to go. It
was past his bedtime, well, everybody's, but he had worn out his
welcome. Mimi's leg will never be the same either.
So I hauled the pig home, kissed him goodnight, kissed my daughter
goodnight and waved at the wife. The couch looked pretty good, but I
HAD to go back to the party.
They had run out of beer, because Mimi was an enterprising young lady.
Not that it showed or anything. She also had huge breasts and was in
love with me because I gave her a D once. Worked for her. She rushed
me, I put out my hands in self-defense, and guess what? I got two Ds.
Good thing that half the hockey team was there to pry her off me.
I went home and curled up with Elvis. A good pig is better than no pig at