Yucky Diane is an asshole. You are four years old. Yucky Diane’s mother is a singer, so the nursery
teachers keep asking her to sing. She is not very good because she is four. She has shiny red hair.
When you realise, in primary one, that there cannot logically be a Santa, you tell everyone. They
cry. You are an asshole.
Rosalind is an asshole. She has just walked up to you in school and called you a fat pig, despite
never having spoken to you before. She has hair in a shiny brushed helmet and is considered very
pretty. She wears an a-line grey skirt and is always immaculate. She is an asshole because her
mother has led her to believe that looking perfect makes you perfect. You always thought she was
very pretty, but this incident made you realise that she was actually very ugly.
Later in life, her mother, who doesn’t know who you are, accuses you of stealing tinsel from the
church as you help take the decorations down for your mother. She is very embarrassed, but she is
really an asshole too.
Babs is an asshole. She grabs your over-developed breasts at the age of 11 and shouts and laughs at
you. She is actually jealous because she is very thin and flat chested, but she doesn’t know this. You
eventually stop her doing it by grabbing her by the throat, lifting her off her feet and telling her very
slowly and menacingly that you will tell a teacher if she persists. When you meet her later at 16 she
thinks that this was very funny. Although you are very kind to her, you still think she is an asshole.
Michelle is an asshole because she started a group of her hyena friends shouting at you in the
school playground because you had a different accent from them. You reply in broad Glaswegian
slang that perhaps you should talk more like them. They are so shocked that they never bother you
Denise is an asshole. She has insinuated herself into your friends and has turned them all against
you. She also has shiny brushed hair and enormous lips and although her ability to keep up with
clothing trends makes her very popular, she is not pretty at all. She has a boyfriend who she likes to
swap named maltesers with, and this is considered by your friends to be very cool. She decides who
everyone fancies. She has become an asshole by herself, as her mother is very nice and not at all
perfect. Her brother is also very nice and you have talked to him a lot. She doesn’t like that. That is
why Denise is an asshole.
Jools is an asshole. She is very surprised that you are faster than her because she looks athletic and
you are rather buxom, so she points it out to embarrass you. Jools has finally caved to peer pressure
and has fallen out with you because the rest of the class are not speaking to you. They are not
speaking to you because you have refused to conform to a single social group and instead have
spoken to whoever is least boring at the time. You are now friends with the Jewish children from
the Hebrew class, and the class you are in don’t like that because they feel inferior. Jools
remembers eventually that she is not an asshole, and tells the others not to be assholes either.