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Anthology Complex


on why I was homeless was because in that life, I made the decision to not go to college; an
assumption based on the misconception that a formal education is necessary to be successful.
So much of a life altered by one single decision. I started to think, even believe, that our dreams
show us who we could have been, for better or for worse, as opposed to who we are now. As
opposed to this life we have chosen to lead. A portal to possibilities that's just barely out of our
reach. Every now and then I ask myself if college was worth it, even though I'd end up losing my
sanity, or if I'd have been better off homeless, and maybe at peace.
I close the notebook and put it back on the shelf. A shelf that holds hundreds of notebooks, all
containing my other lives. My dreams. My complex. Somewhere along the road of parked cars,
along the road of my life, I became aware of the psychological impact writing down these dreams
had on me. Had for me. Writing down these short stories where I believed I was the main
character. That the story being told was the story of my life. Finding so much meaning in a life
drowned in meaningless. This purposeless life. A life with no driver. A life that never passed by
under the green light. I try to trick my mind, I try to fool myself. This is me, walking down this
long road of parked cars. This is me looking inside all of these cars, looking for a driver. Looking
for a sign of life, but the only life I can find are in my dreams. In these notebooks filled with words,
living my life vicariously through this strange fiction. I look at these notebooks, and I curse this
addiction. This anthologic life.
For so long I have cursed this life, but in the end I can only come to accept it because I believe we
all suffer from the anthology complex. We all compile these short stories that turn into fantasies.
We all suffer from this conditio n where we live the life of someone else, the story of someone else,
where we see ourselves as ourselves, but under a different persona. Sometimes this persona is a big
change, or a slight change. It doesn't just come in the form of dreams, but in the form of fictional
work.
We watch these movies and television shows and sometimes we see ourselves. Even if we don't
realize it. We read these books and magazines, and sometimes we see ourselves. It comes in the
form of art. We listen to these songs, and sometimes we hear ourselves. Sometimes we hear the
stories of ourselves. We see these paintings, these photos, and sometimes we see ourselves. It
comes in the form of thought. Sometimes we are sitting at home, or at work, or at school, and we
begin to think, daydream even, of another life.
Our mind comes up with these people that we represent and these actions that we perform.
Unfortunately, sometimes we know the version of us from the other life better than we know our
true selves, and sometimes we like that person better, too.
I stare at the shelf, and I try to remember the driver's face, but he was faceless. I try to remember
the sound of his voice, but all I can hear is the sound of mine. The problem with trying to remember
a dream is that it's like a faded memory sometimes, and if enough time passes by, say a few years,
it gets harder and harder to distinguish a memory from a dream. Reality from fiction.
Sometimes it can drive you crazy, but having an organized shelf of notebooks that can differ reality
from fiction helps. Another thing about dreams and memories is that they can have very similar
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