Amock Comedy Magazine 5
Professor Pete gives you indispensable
advice on all your problems.
There is no cause for concern. Your son, as you well
know, is gay, and poverty has led him into a life of
male prostitution. The soul he is selling is his ass soul
and his customer is Dave Satan, the vegetarian
chiropodist with the practice at the corner of Duke St
and Gt Western Rd. Take advantage of the situation
and have your feet done.
As a surprise for my wife’s birthday I intend removing
my chest hair as she has told me she’s never been with
a man with a bare chest and has often fantasised about
it. What would you recommend as the best method,
waxing or shaving?
My friend Timbo can fart on command and it’s
hilarious, especially if he lets one go every time our
teacher finishes a sentence. I’d like to learn how to
perform this marvellous feat and wonder where I can
go to train?
Are you mad? A man’s very virility resides in his
chest hair and on no account should you remove it,
either by waxing or shaving. Men without chest hair
are nothing but ladyboys and this passion on your
wife’s part seems to indicate lesbian tendencies.
I’m a bit confused here. Is it the farting on command
you want to learn, or the marvellous feet? The
marvellous feet are probably more useful and served
Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire very well, so that’s
probably what you mean, in which case the answer is
any decent dance academy.
Could you advise me on whether a full marriage
license allows me unrestricted access to all parts of my
wife’s body? She insists that there are regions which
are still off-limits, but I believe that a full marriage
license, registered with the authorities, and with no
penalty points, should offer me access all areas. I am
thinking specifically of behind her knees and her
I have always been hot for Debi Cooper and
everybody knows it. She is blonde and cute and I’ve
been keen on her since we were at school together, but
she doesn’t seem to know I exist. My friends keep
telling me to ask her out but I can’t in case she laughs
in my face. What can I do?
Maurice, N. Dakota
You fail to tell me how long you have been married
and if the event is recent you may have to take a
cautious approach to your wife’s more intimate areas.
With time she will relax and may permit you more
liberties. In the meantime you might have to satisfy
yourself with internet porn where there are many sites
that specialise in behind the knees erotica.
The fear of rejection has been the curse of young men
since Adam first asked Eve out on a date. To
overcome it you must get used to rejection before
making an attempt on the fair Debi. To that end you
should make advances towards super models and
famous actresses and the rejection you get from them
will stand you in good stead when the Debster tells
you to piss off.
Our son, Freddie, came home last week and told us
that he’d sold his soul to Satan. He has condemned
himself to eternal damnation and hellfire. What can
we do to save him?
Ada Vernon (Mrs), Glasgow
Write to Pete with your problems and
he’ll solve them for you. Sort of.