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Amock Comedy Magazine 5

HOW TO BE A BOUNCER
The Indispensable Guide from the Guvnor, Tommy ‘Chopper’ Blackstaff
Many young men reaches a
point in their lives where they
is at their physical peak and
the toblerone is coursing
through their veins. It is at this
point they feels like punching
other young men in the mouth
to assert their masculinity, but
unfortunately this is against
the law and a spell in prison
may lead to a sore bum.
Fortunately, there is
alternatives to joining a gang
of thugs. One is to join the
army but there is always a
danger that there will be no
war available to fight. Another is to take up the sport of
boxing but the rules do insist that your opponent is
permitted to strike back and that’s not really what our
young chap is looking for.
The perfect solution is to become a door steward, or
bouncer as he is known among those what reads
tabloids. This is not an easy course to follow and
requires a great deal of training, especially in the
linguistic department as our steward must have a
masterly command of the English language due to not
being allowed to punch someone in the face before
speaking to them. This is assuming, of course, that our
boy wishes to pursue his door stewarding career in the
UK and not in darker parts of the world where they
speaks foreign.
John: Me and the missus was getting shoes for my wee
godson as a christening present this afternoon.
Jim: Cool, did you find a pair you liked?
John: We did, but they said “Non Sale” on the sticker
so we just left it.
John: That’s just confusing, it’s like when you go to the
shoe shop and they only have the right shoe on display.
Do you think there’s somewhere where they only have
the left shoe out on display?
Jim: Would make sense, I suppose, but they hides them
shops.
John: Heads up, mate, there’s somebody coming.
A punter approaches. He is a black man, but this should
make no difference to the professional door steward
who must always be prepared to punch people in the
face regardless of race, religion or gender.
John: Not tonight mate.
Punter: I was just …
Jim: Not tonight, mate.
Punter: I was just trying to…
John: No trainers.
Punter: These aren’t trainers, they’re brogues.
Jim: Brogues? What is you, a poof?
John: Look, mate, you’ve had too much to drink.
Punter: I’ve not been drinking.
Jim: No trainers
John: We’ve done that bit, we’re onto Phrase 3 now.
Jim: Did we not bar you last week?
Punter: No...
Jim: I’m sure we did, John, didn’t we?
John: You’re barred, now get lost.
Punter: Look, morons, I work here, I’m the club manager.
Jim: Oh, looking for some aggro are you?
Jim decks the Punter with a swift left uppercut, delivered
In this first instructive module we are following two door
stewards who are on duty outside The Lecherous Lizard
nightclub. They are John and Jim, though these are not
their real names, which is Jim and John. The events
what follows is fiction, that is they is not real. There was
no witnesses and the CCTV was broke.
from an angle of 480 at a velocity of 43 mph.
Lesson 2 – How to punch a nun what is collecting for
charity.
 
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