JULIE: Here Shaz, you ever fancied being a fella?
SHARON: Me, a guy? No, what would be the point?
JULIE: Well, you’d have a willie.
SHARON: And what good’s that?
JULIE: Well, I dunno, you could pee round
corners, I s’pose.
SHARON: You’re nuts. What’s brought this on
anyway?
JULIE: I’m just bored, fancied a change.
SHARON: Well, I’ve been bored lots, but I’ve never
wanted to be a bloke.
JULIE: That’s a lack of imagination you’ve got
there.
SHARON: Tis not, I’ve got a great imagination. Miss
Simpson in the school said so, after I wrote
that story about the aliens and the
leprechauns.
JULIE: That wasn’t a compliment, Shaz. Way I
remember it, you got an F.
SHARON: That was my spelling let me down.
JULIE: It was your brain let you down! What
would aliens want to invade Ireland for
anyway?
SHARON: They liked Guinness.
JULIE: My dad likes Guinness, doesn’t mean he’s
going to invade Ireland.
SHARON: Well, your Dad’s not an alien. Least, I
don’t think so.
JULIE: Nah, he’s a vegetarian.
SHARON: A vegetarian? With the amount he drinks?
JULIE: Yeah, but it’s veggie beer. No animal
products in it, that Guinness.
SHARON: You are nuts. You can’t make beer with
animal products, just sausages.
JULIE: They’re like willies, sausages.
SHARON: But you can’t pee round corners with them,
ha ha.
JULIE: Specially not if they’re chipolatas.
SHARON: They put me in mind of Bob, he wasn’t
what you’d call well-endowed.
JULIE: It’s not the meat, it’s the motion, my Mum
says.
SHARON: She’s a wise woman, your old Mum. But
Bob didn’t have the motion either.
JULIE: That’ll be when he decided he was gay.
SHARON: Well, I had a kind of hint before, when he
said he liked Barbra Streisand, but he said
that was because he was bi.
JULIE: I think that was a lovely thing you done for
him, letting him discover his true sexuality.
SHARON: Didn’t feel lovely at the time. He had me
all turned on, him with his soft hands and
everything.
JULIE: Don’t take much to turn you on. I
remember you got all fruity over an ad on
the telly once.
SHARON: It was for Cadbury’s Flake, and I like them.
JULIE: They’re penis substitutes they are,
Cadbury’s Flakes, and the ads just plays
that up, sticking them in your mouth and
everything.
SHARON: Well, Flakes you definitely couldn’t pee
round corners with, you’d snap your willy in
two.
JULIE: Ouch, that doesn’t bear thinking about,
brings tears to your eyes.
SHARON: See, I knew you wasn’t made out to be a
fella. You’re a girl and you should be
proud of it.
JULIE: I am, I was just bored. Never really
fancied peeing round corners anyway.
CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE NEXT ISSUE.
