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Amock Comedy Magazine 4

Professor Pete gives you indispensable
It is indeed a torpedo and comes from a midget submarine.
Your mother, when she was younger, operated with the
Canadian Navy’s Special Forces and was renowned for her
skills in muff diving in the face of the enemy. This is a
small memento she has retained, but best not to ask her
about it as she would be embarrassed to relate any of her
daring exploits amongst the sailors.
Pete
advice on all your problems.
CHEATING
Dear Pete,
My husband, Ernie, cheated on me with my friend Bobbi so
I slept with Bobbi’s husband Jack. Bobbi found out about
it and had sex with my brother Ralph so I had it off with
her cousin Simon. Meanwhile Ernie had found about me
and Jack and slept with my aunt Betty. Bobbi found about
Simon and tried it on with my uncle Alf, only to discover
he was gay. Whoo Hoo, I thought, one up to me, but the
bitch somehow talked him into the sack anyway. As it
happened, Alf had sex with a guy called Dave, who isn’t
related to anybody I know, but this Dave managed to
seduce my husband and introduced him to gay love. My
question is, do I have to sleep with my husband to get even
with him?
Tracy, Vermont
UNSANITARY
Dear Professor Pete,
Farouk, the sanitary engineer, has offered only 10 silver
Rialees for my beautiful daughter Roxanna’s hand in
marriage. It is an insult, she has long hair and all her own
teeth and is worth at least 100. Admittedly she is
unsanitary in her habits but this is down to her mother and
once she was married she would no longer be under the old
shrew’s influence. How can I get Farouk to increase his
pathetic offer?
Abdul, Falakand
PS- She is nearly a virgin
Dear Tracy,
As this is obviously a fairy story I hope you all live happily
ever after.
Pete
Dear Abdul,
If the problem indeed lies with Roxanna’s filthy habits
throwing in a large bar of soap may clinch the deal, though
I doubt you’d get 100 for the manky bint.
Pete
LAXATIVES
Dear Prof,
I am being held prisoner in my own home by aliens from
the planet Verx. They are demanding six million metric
tonnes of laxatives for my release. As you know human
laxatives are renowned as the most potent in the galaxy and
the Verxians have been suffering from constipation for
several centuries. Please arrange for delivery to Verx by
space shuttle (warp drive supplied) as soon as possible.
Maurice, New York
TRAMP
Dear Pete,
My husband and I had frequently discussed swapping
partners and I had often fantasised I was with another man
when Reg was making love to me. We finally decided to
go through with it and picked Susan and Pete Mould for our
first swap partners as we were both attracted to them. We
invited them over, one thing led to another and I ended up
in the spare bedroom with Pete. To my surprise, while he
was having it off with me, I found myself thinking about
Terry Richards and not Pete who I’d long fantasised about
while with Reg. It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying Pete’s
attentions and his rear entry a la mode was actually quite
superb, but I found it more exciting to think it was Terry
who was giving it to me. Does this mean that I am
basically a slut?
Carla, Wellington
Dear Maurice,
I forwarded your plea to the General Secretary of the
United Nations but unfortunately he has rejected it. His
reasoning is that the sudden release of immense amounts of
Verxian poo could have terrible effects on the space time
continuum in the galaxy. Why not try the Klingons whose
laxatives are well thought of among the cognoscenti?
Pete
TORPEDO
Dear Carla,
As I have constantly said the sex act occurs in the head and
not in the nether regions. The mind will instinctively find
that which gives it most pleasure even at the expense of
Pete’s fine technique. I wouldn’t worry about it overmuch
but in answer to your question, yes, you are a tramp.
Pete
Dear Pete,
My mom has a little thing shaped like a small silver torpedo
in the drawer of her bedside cabinet. Any idea what it
could be?
Sylvie, Toronto
Dear Sylvie,
Write to Pete with your problems and
he’ll solve them for you. Sort of.
 
 
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