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Amock Comedy Magazine 4

THE PARANORMAL - FACT OR FICTION?
Have you ever been scared by a ghost or grabbed by the ghoulies? It’s
damned inconvenient if one’s having a sherry with the vicar. To put an end,
once and for all, to this nonsense about the paranormal Amock sent ace
reporter, Specky Muldoon, to join a group researching the paranormal. His
report follows, but be warned, it is not for the faint of heart or the hard of
thinking.
The venue for the vigil was the Moorefield retirement home. The Moorefield is situated deep in the
countryside next to the nuclear power plant. The place is ideal for getting rid of your unwanted elderly
relatives because even if they do escape the chances of them finding their way home are minute as they’ll
probably be arrested for trespassing by the nuclear constabulary.
The Moorefield itself is a marvellous building full of dampness and decay, however if you’re really lucky you
may manage to electrocute yourself on the shoddy wiring, plus it only costs £1000 per month for care, a
real bargain. Once you’ve managed to accustom yourself to the smell of poo and pee you’ve truly cracked
it.
The vigil started at 9pm with the research group leader cracking a joke about everyone being in high spirits.
Understandably no one laughed. A few members of their team phoned at the last minute to say that they
were apparently caught up chasing spirits at the Drum and Monkey public house. This vigil was not on the
clubs agenda but their enthusiasm cannot be faulted as they said they’d be there for at least another four
hours which was well after closing time. This kind of initiative cannot be faulted.
After sitting in the freezing cold for three hours catching nothing but piles we had our first occurrence of
paranormal activity at around 1am. A team member who we will call John* was setting up the temperature
probe to take readings when an unseen entity allegedly jammed the probe in his ass. We left our posts
when we heard the screams and rushed to the spot with our photographic equipment (not the most
endearing sight I have witnessed but still intriguing). Unfortunately John’s account was dismissed almost
instantly by the team’s instrument technician who assured us temperature probes are not supplied already
covered in lubricant. John was suitably shame-faced and admitted to perverse desires.
After two rotations (each team member spends two hours at the same spot to either find or create
evidence) the team was assembled in the resident’s day room as there were apparent traces of ectoplasm.
However this was again dismissed under scrutiny as the team member we will call Brian* claimed the
ectoplasm “appeared from nowhere” and that the television set had just happened to jam itself onto “Babe
Station”. Also in the day room A team member we will call Jane* claimed she was experiencing a cold spot
on one of the arm chairs, but on further investigation it turned out one of the residents wet himself and none
of the staff could be bothered to dry it up.
The team’s most intriguing evidence seemed to come from the dining room at around 3.30am when a team
member we will call Jill* found that the EMF meter was going berserk and that this had absolutely nothing
to do with John making micro noodles in the adjoining kitchen.
In conclusion, did we prove the existence of non-corporeal spirits? Well, yes and no, or then again, maybe.
*No names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Pic by Neetesh Gupta
 
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