Amock Comedy Magazine 4
SHARON: Oh, Jules, I’m gonna die an old maid.
JULIE: You can’t die an old maid.
SHARON: How not?
JULIE: A maid’s a girl that’s never been had, and
let’s face it …..
SHARON: Oh yeah, that guy that sold me the out-of-
date cheese, he had me, rotten bastard.
JULIE: That’s not what I mean. Had, like in, had.
SHARON: You what?
JULIE: You’ve been with a man.
SHARON: Course I have. I’ve been to the shops with
me Dad, been to the pictures with me
uncle George, even been to see Grease
with me brother.
JULIE: God, you’re so dim. Been doesn’t mean
been, it means been naughty with.
SHARON: Well, I haven’t been naughty with them,
they’re my family.
JULIE: Yeah, but other guys.
SHARON: Only a little bit.
JULIE: The amount don’t count. Once you’ve
been you’ve been, so you can’t be a maid.
SHARON: I thought it was just an old dear that had
never got married.
JULIE: Yeah, but the implication was that she
SHARON: Not even to the toilet?
JULIE: You’re impossible. What you’ll end up is a
girl who was flinging it about like a hot chip
and still couldn’t get a guy to marry her.
SHARON: I resent that, I do not fling it about like a hot
JULIE: How would you describe it then? I heard
someone say you could trip up a guy and
be under him before he hit the deck.
SHARON: That’s terrible, I’m practically untouched.
JULIE: The only way you could be untouched was
if you’d been with 82 gay guys.
SHARON: No, there was only Bob, and he was more
bi than gay.
JULIE: So, you’ve been with them, which means
you are hardly untouched.
SHARON: It was heavy petting mostly. I didn’t go all
the way with all of them.
JULIE: How many?
SHARON: Well, to tell the truth, it was only Bob, and
that was just so he could decide which way
JULIE: So, the only time you’ve really been with a
guy was with a bisexual called Bob.
SHARON: Yeah, so I’m practically a virgin. I think I
qualify for a Doris Day Award.
JULIE: What’s that then?
SHARON: That Doris Day was a professional virgin.
JULIE: You mean there’s money in it?
SHARON: Must be. I never heard of Doris Day being
down the Job Centre.
JULIE: So, what’s the qualifications?
SHARON: Virginity, I’d suppose.
JULIE: We, that’s no use to us then.
SHARON: No, hold on, I heard them Japanese can
make you a virgin again.
JULIE: The Japs?
SHARON: Yeah, their girls can be as naughty as they
like and then when they’re going to get
married they get their bits stitched up
JULIE: So, you’d be like, a born again virgin?
SHARON: Yeah, wonder if you can get it on the NHS.
CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE NEXT ISSUE.