Amock Comedy Magazine 4
Famed porn movie director, Ron Close-up, has been confirmed as the man at the helm for the remake of James
Bond classic, Goldfinger. This is seen as an attempt by producers to drag the ageing franchise into the modern
day but say they will attempt to stay true to the spirit of the original novel and movie.
Close-up took a break from his busy schedule to give Amock of how the plot of the new movie will unfold.
“The story opens with Bond being called to the headquarters of MI6. M tells him about Goldfinger who is
smuggling gold out of England though the authorities can’t figure out how he’s doing it. He asks Bond to
investigate so Bond has sex with him. On the way out Bond recovers his hat from the outer office and has sex
with Miss Moneypenny. She simpers winningly throughout the encounter. Bond picks up his equipment from Q
and has sex with him using a newly invented device which can induce orgasms at 40 yards. Hot on the trail of
Goldfinger, Bond encounters his Korean henchman, Oddjob, who paints his genitals gold. Bond has sex with
him, though Oddjob keeps his hat on throughout the encounter.
Bond is warned by his CIA contact, Felix Leiter, to watch out for Pussy Galore so a grateful Bond has sex with
him in his Aston Martin. Bond drinks a vodka martini (shaken & stirred) before tracking down Pussy. She captures
him and threatens him with a laser beam but he is rescued by Felix, so they have a threesome.
Finally meeting up with Goldfinger Bond discovers that the criminal madman plans to hold an orgy in the vault
of Fort Knox. This will render all the gold bullion there as tainted with naughtiness and therefore non-negotiable
in the world financial markets. Bond can only save the world by having sex with Goldfinger, but this will make
Oddjob jealous. Bond takes his super-potency pills, supplied by Q, and has sex with both of them several times,
leaving them drained and exhausted and in no mood to conquer the world. As he dresses to leave Bond says,
“The things I do for Queen and country,” thus revealing his love for Freddie Mercury’s band and redneck music.”
British Civil Awards are to be revamped, the Government has announced. The previous system, The Most
Excellent Order of the British Empire was established by George V and comprises five classes in civil and
military divisions. In order of seniority, these are Knight (or Dame) Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of
the British Empire (GBE), Knight (or Dame) Commander of the Most
Excellent Order of the British Empire (KBE), Commander of the Most
Excellent Order of the British Empire (CBE), Officer of the Most Excellent
Order of the British Empire (OBE)and Member of the Most Excellent Order
of the British Empire (MBE)
Only the highest two ranks automatically cause an individual to become a
knight or dame. These are now seen as anachronistic as the British Empire
no longer exists. They will be replaced by new Orders to be known as
Trousers. The highest award will be Red Trousers, followed by Blue
Trousers and White Trousers. Brown Trousers will only be available to
members of the armed forces for extreme cowardice in the face of the
enemy. Charity workers will be eligible for the Blue Trousers while White
will be reserved for showbiz and sports personalities. Red will be awarded for acts of bravery or extreme
stupidity and will only be given posthumously.