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Amock Comedy Magazine 4

WAKISTAN DECLARES WAR
An Appeal To The Democracies by President for Life General Kalim Sharabi
My Friends,
Wakistanis are genetically scared of heights which is
why we are, generally speaking, a short people.
I am appealing to you. I know this because you write
me many fan letters. As you know we are a newly
emergent nation, but we have been insulted and to
defend our honour we must declare war. However,
because we are poor we have no armed forces or
weapons, so I am appealing to my good democratic
friends for aid.
If we do not receive military aid, my plan of action is as
follows. Our newly recruited army will swim up the Red
Sea, through the Suez Canal, and across the
Mediterranean; they will then march across Europe and
beard the evil Irish in their lair. Then we shall smite
them hip and thigh with our sticks.
The situation is as follows - at a diplomatic reception in
Dublin their chief foreign minister dropped wind before
our ambassador. He
refused to apologise
and blamed his dog
so, you see, we have
no alternative but to
declare war on
Ireland.
You may say that these are not going to be effective,
but these are traditional Wakistani hitting sticks and can
bring down a goat at four
feet, if it is a small one. I
realise, as Commander in
Chief of our armed forces
that we can expect
casualties, but I have
taken out insurance
policies on all our men so
that all who fall in battle will
mean a little financial
bonus for me. One has to
plan ahead.
You will immediately
see the problems we
face. Wakistan is
thousands of miles
from the satanic
Ireland and they have armed forces numbering in their
millions and modern weapons capable of immense
destruction. It is obvious that we are at a serious
disadvantage and that is why I request of you that you
donate to me a small thermo-nuclear device. Also a
delivery vehicle, perhaps a van. We will not require
technical staff as my nephew Akrim is a skilled car
mechanic. A navy too might be useful and I am very
impressed with these ships you have which travel
underwater. They seem like a wonderful way to sneak
up on an enemy and shoot him in the butt. We have
attempted to construct these ourselves but cannot get
the animal skins which cover the canoe appropriately
water-proof. An air force is not required as we
Our Special Forces in training.
There is an alternative to this doomsday scenario and
I offer it because I do not want to seem like a war-
monger. If the Irish immediately surrender and promise
to supply us with Guinness free of charge for the next
100 hundred years we will not attack. I think that is a
fair compromise. They must also promise that Bono
will never come to our country and attempt to save us.
No benefit concerts, no speechifying, nothing. Also, no
Riverdance. It is an abomination, the only time people
should dance like that is if they are shot in the foot.
That is all, my good friends, the peace of the world lies
in your hands.
PS- If supplying thermo-nuclear device please do not
arm.
 
 
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