Not a member?     Existing members login below:

Amock Comedy Magazine 3

Professor Pete gives you indispensable
My wife has taken up salsa dancing. Is this legal in
the UK?
Fred, Leeds
advice on all your problems.
UNDIES
Dear Fred,
It is not only illegal, it is disgusting. Women who wish
to dance with a spicy sauce of tomatoes, onions and
chili peppers are an abomination and I’m fairly sure it
is expressly forbidden in St Paul’s 24th Epistle to the
Corinthians. Some extreme Buddhist sects stone
women who take up this freakish means of
comporting themselves but this isn’t really acceptable
in this day and age. Mild chastisement in the form of
a non-committal grunt of disapproval should suffice.
Pete
Dear Pete,
I am about to be married and am worried about what
underwear to wear on my wedding day. I obviously
want something that will titillate and entice my spouse
but don’t want to look like a tart. What would you
suggest?
Jo, Dumfries
Dear Jo,
You fail to tell me if you are to be the husband or wife
in this arrangement. If the wife I think you should
wear something tantalising and to hell with being
thought a tart. If the husband you should probably
wear something lacy and demure to appeal to your
new wife’s aesthetics.
Pete
READING
Dear Prof,
Our neighbour Ms Maypole claims to be a librarian but
she has male visitors every night and we frequently
hear shrieks and moans coming from her house and
we see her through her window running about in her
underwear. Do you think she’s up to no good?
Red, Kansas
CHUCK
Dear Pete,
My husband is obsessed with old rock ’n’ roller Chuck
Berry. He duck walks everywhere and expects me to
call him my Brown Eyed Handsome Man, even
though his eyes are grey. Worst of all he asks total
strangers to play with his Ding A Ling. What can I do
to stop this aberrant behaviour?
Maybellene, Wolverhampton
Dear Red,
Your Ms Maypole is in fact up to a lot of good. Her
male visitors have reading difficulties and this good
Samaritan is helping them. Her methodology requires
them to read romantic fiction aloud which elicits the
shrieks and moans from her and as this genre gets
her all hot and bothered she has to remove items of
clothing to remain cool.
Pete
Dear Maybellene,
I don’t see why this is a particular problem but if it is
really annoying you could try to shift his focus to
Buddy Holly, though he might then expect you to
Rave On and change your name to Peggy Sue.
Pete
BIRTHDAY GIFT
Dear Professor Pete,
What do you think would make a suitable gift for our
son’s 18th birthday. He is a good, obedient and
studious boy and we would really like to reward him
for being a fine son and the apple of both his parents’
eyes.
Mr & Mrs Kennadale, Vermont
Dear Professor,
My friend Kris says Batman isn’t a real super-hero
because he don’t have no super-powers like
Superman or Spiderman. But he’s got a costume and
a secret identity so I think he’s talking shit. What do
you say?
Freddy, Baltimore
REAL
Dear Mr & Mrs Kennadale,
There is nothing in the world an 18 year old boy wants
more than an 18 year old girl, but generally speaking
they’re better off finding themselves. Anything you
can contribute towards finding him a female
companion, such as a car or a helicopter, would be
greatly appreciated.
Pete
Dear Freddy,
Kris is training to become a professional pedant when
he grows up, so just live with it. Oh, and don’t say
shit.
Pete
SALSA
Write to Pete with your problems and
he’ll solve them for you. Sort of.
Dear Professor Pete,
 
 
Remove