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Amock Comedy Magazine 3

THE CORRESPONDENCE OF
TWO VICTORIAN SISTERS
Dear Cassandra,
I have been led to believe that you allowed my Charles to be beastly with you recently. As you know I have
always regarded you as a sister and I am loathe to believe that this can be true. Pray tell me what occurred.
Your dearest friend,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I am afraid to inform you that the rumours you have heard are true, but do be assured that the event was not
of my instigation. It happened thus – I was bending over to pick something up when Charles assaulted me
from behind and was, as you say, beastly with me. He came upon me so sudden I feared that he was going to
be beastly with me in an unnatural fashion. But, as you can see, I was not to blame.
Your devoted friend,
Cassandra
PS – I am your sister
Dear Cassandra,
I cannot believe that my Charles would behave in such a brutal fashion. Are you sure he did not trip and thus
fall upon you?
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I truly cannot say if Charles tripped, for as I informed you, I was bent down at the time and my gaze was upon
the flower I was picking.
Your devoted sister,
Cassandra
Dear Cassandra,
It is beyond belief that my sweet Charles would take advantage of a girl in the way you imply. Are you sure
you did not wiggle your bottom at him in a provocative fashion, thus causing a rush of blood to his head and
his attack upon your nether parts.
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I am outraged that you could think I could behave in such a fashion. I have only wiggled my bottom once in
my life. It was during my honeymoon, in front of my husband, Victor, and gave him a nosebleed. You must
seek elsewhere to find a motive behind Charles’s caddish behaviour.
Your dearest sister,
Cassandra
Dear Cassandra,
I have now spoken to Charles about the matter and he confirms that he did indeed trip over a rug which
caused him to fall upon you. What I still cannot ascertain is how he managed to achieve his end through your
bustle.
Your dearest sister,
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
Ah, I failed to inform you that I have taken up nude modelling recently and was in that mode when the event
occurred. I have had to resort to this as our financial situation is perilous. Victor has been thrown out of the
army since leading his regiment on an attack upon our allies. He has always had difficulties with his sense of
direction, the silly sausage. As we have no income Victor suggested I take up modelling in the nude for artists
and it is quite lucrative at 10 guineas per hour. It doesn’t quite cover Victor’s gambling debts so he’s also
suggested I offer beastliness to young gentlemen for a small remuneration. You will understand then that your
Charles owes me 20 guineas. We cannot take cheques else the amount would be taxed so would you slip the
amount into an envelope and have your butler drop it off at our residence?
Your loving sister,
Cassandra
Pic by deflam (David Flam)
AMOCK / Page 7
 
 
 
 
 
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