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Amock Comedy Magazine 3

SHARON: Oh, help, Jules, I think old Scrotum’s after
me again.
JULIE: What’s he done now?
SHARON: Told me he had a low sperm count and
that’s why his wife left him.
JULIE: And what’s that got to do with you?
SHARON: Said it might be appreciated by a girl that
didn’t have a strong maternal instinct and
I’d told him I didn’t want to have kids.
JULIE: Oh. What’s a low sperm count anyway?
SHARON: It’s got something to do with whales, I
JULIE: I don’t like the Welsh, they talk funny.
SHARON: That’s just their language, silly, they’re
talking Welshish. That’s why they say
boyo and stuff like that.
JULIE: And that makes them have a low sperm
count then?
SHARON: Must do.
JULIE: So old Scrutton’s Welsh.
SHARON: He doesn’t talk that Welshy.
JULIE: Well he’s probably been here so long he’s
lost his accent. That happens. My Mum’s
Scottish and she never says och aye the
noo or nothing like that. She don’t even
like the bagpipes.
SHARON: She likes that Ewan McGregor.
JULIE: Only in Star Wars, she doesn’t like him in
other stuff.
SHARON: I wouldn’t have taken your Mum for a
science fiction fan, not with her liking
JULIE: Well, that just shows you, she’s mad for all
that future stuff. Star Trek, Dr Who, you
can’t drag her away from the telly.
SHARON: That’s an obsession that is.
JULIE: Naah, Obsession’s a perfume. Paco
Rabanne. My Mum don’t use perfume, just smells of
self-raising flour.
SHARON: Don’t see that pulling a man.
JULIE: Turns my dad on, he loves his grub,
specially her fruit buns.
SHARON: Maybe I should take up baking, help me
get a guy.
JULIE: Gawd no, you’d end up poisoning the poor
SHARON: Hey, I’m a better cook than you. I made
them scrambled eggs mind.
JULIE: Yes, but they was meant to be an
SHARON: Well, the recipe didn’t say to stop stirring. I
got carried away.
JULIE: You’re a menace, you are.
SHARON: I just get very enthusiastic about things.
Remember what I did to Kenny Wilson’s
JULIE: Had to shave his head, didn’t he?
SHARON: Well, he didn’t suit pink.
JULIE: Here, maybe you could use your
enthusiastic nature to get rid of Scrotum.
SHARON: What do you mean?
JULIE: You could cook him a meal and poison
SHARON: What kind of a meal?
JULIE: What does he like?
SHARON: Prunes, he swears by them.
JULIE: Can’t think of many recipes featuring
SHARON: He likes fish too.
JULIE: Well, that’s it then. Give him fish cakes
and you’ll be out of jail in five years.