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Amock Comedy Magazine 3

AMOCK: Thank you for inviting us to your castle, Count Dracula, and thank you for consenting to this
DRACULA: It is my pleasure. For too many years my kind have been misrepresented by your media and
nowadays to be a vampire is to be no more than a sparkly thing. I wish to set the record straight.
AMOCK: Of course. I’d like to begin then
with the original Dracula who was, I believe,
Vlad Dracul, or Vlad the Impaler.
DRACULA: Yes, yes, he was the original
Dracula, but the name has unfortunate
AMOCK: It’s said that he impaled the bodies
of his dead enemies on spikes as a warning
to those who would oppose him.
Pic by Ed Schipul (eschipul)
DRACULA: A nonsense, I tell you. He did indeed do a lot of impaling, but it was not of that sort. He was a
very well-endowed man.
AMOCK: But you do admit that you come from a very bloody past?
DRACULA: Bloody past? Ha, you are a joking man, I like that. No, the truth is that Vlad returned from the
Crusades to find that his wife had killed herself believing a rumour that he was dead. He vowed that this
betrayal by God and his church would be avenged and thus began our role as the undead.
AMOCK: The undead, yes, I’ve never really understood that. Surely, to be undead, is to be alive.
DRACULA: Do I look alive? You don’t get a complexion like this with cosmetics.
AMOCK: Yes, I see what you mean, but is there any precise definition of being undead?
DRACULA: Half dead, I think that covers it. Have you ever run a great distance and said, ‘I feel half dead’.
That’s how I feel, all the time.
AMOCK: It must be very wearying.
DRACULA: It’s worse for zombies, they’re even more dead than I am. And no fashion sense.