Amock Comedy Magazine 2
Professor Pete gives you indispensable
advice on all your problems.
gal is depriving many needy young women of your
attentions. Do it for humanity.
I am only in my late 20s but I have started losing my
hair. I have a dread of going bald as I am unmarried
and the chances of finding a woman willing to marry a
bald man are probably nil. Don’t suggest a wig as I
think they just look stupid, but surely modern medical
science can do something.
My wife has run away with a Polish plumber and this
has made me eternally grateful to the Polish people. I
feel that I should repay them in some way and there
must be a charity I could donate to. Perhaps one for
You should look on the positive side. Your running
and swimming speeds will increase as the lack of hair
will cause less air and water resistance. You will also
save money on haircuts, combs and hair gels.
Baldness might be a positive boon, my friend.
There is no specific organisation for short-sighted
tradesmen I can find in the Polish charity register, but
perhaps you could slip a few quid to the Myopic
Sewage Workers & Related Trades Benevolent Fund.
They accept donations in vodka.
Dear Professor Pete,
As you are so wise, you are no doubt telepathic. I
am, therefore sending you my actual question through
the power of my mind. Please respond in kind.
Magic Mike, Cork
I would be the first to admit that I am not greatly
experienced when it comes to matters of sex but is it
really true that men can become aroused by literally
anything? I only ask because my cousin Ralph
seems to get very frisky at the sight of female TV
I have, of course, received your question but refuse to
reply by telepathy as the call charges are extortionate.
The answers you require are (a) Yes (b) any lubricant
and (c) you may have to sedate the wildebeest first.
The human male animal’s ability to get aroused by
anything and everything is well known. Calum McDair
found pelicans very stimulating, while Norrie Bates
had a thing for ceramics and Dave Grant got quite
wobbly at the sight of a naked gearbox. It’s best not
to dwell on these things.
I’m going out on a date with Ray Cobley next week
and I don’t know what to wear. The thing is he went
out with my friend Candy a few months ago and she
told me that he was all hands, if you know what I
mean. Now, I don’t want Ray to get his mitts on any
of my personal bits yet, but I really like him and don’t
want to put him off by looking too demure. So, what
do I wear?
My GF, who I was with for almost a year, has left me
for another guy and I’ve been on my own for over a
month. Do you think I’ll ever meet somebody else? I
George, Cal. U.
I think you can let young Ray have free access to the
back of your calves and your forearms. This should
give him the message that you are not entirely an ice
queen and if he hangs around long enough you might
let him feel your elbows.
At your age you’re better off without a regular
girlfriend as this will allow you to investigate the
underwear of many young women. Sticking to one