Amock Comedy Magazine 2

Minutes of the Meeting of the Council on 2321.900.xbk
Subject: Planet Earth/Human Beings
Present: Cllr Korag (Leader of the Council); Warlord Struek; Cllrs Lood, Openg and Jabbra; Jazba Kildo
Captain Fuer of Exploration Ship Zivre report by Telecast
Cllr Korag opened the meeting and made introductions before asking Captain
Fuer to make his report.
FUER: As you know, gentlemen, I was tasked by this Council to take my ship,
Zivre, and discover the nature of the human beings of the planet known as Earth.
I aim to provide a series of reports on their various achievements and cultures so
that you can decide if they pose a threat to the Imperium. I will begin, therefore,
with many things which make these Humans differ from we Degron. Firstly, is
their habit of rubbing heir mouth parts together. They call this a ‘kiss’ and do it
frequently and to many others.
LOOD: Your pardon, but do they not use their mouth parts for eating, as we do?
FUER: They do indeed, but also for this ‘kissing’.
OPENG: What function does it serve?
FUER: None, that we can ascertain.
KORAG: It does not seem like any kind of threat. Pray continue.
FUER: They also refer to each other, on occasion, as the end of their alimentary canal.
LOOD: I fail to understand.
FUER: The anus, Cllr. They call each other, anus. Though colloquially it is referred to as ‘asshole’.
JABBRA: They call each other anus?
FUER: Frequently. Both as an insult and as a friendly greeting.
JABBRA: The anus is a most useful piece of the anatomy. I would be proud to be an asshole.
FUER: They also vent digestive gases from the anus. They call it farting.
LOOD: They do not have a bypass which moves the foul gases to their feet so that it will be furthest away from
their scent organs?
FUER: No. They fart.
LOOD: There is a flaw in their biological make-up then. Unless their scent organs are also misplaced.
FUER: No, they are in the nose, as are ours.
LOOD: Thank Mash.
ALL: All hail, Mash.
KORAG: But again, no threat to us. What matters it to the Imperium if these primitives wander about in their
own stink?