Amock Comedy Magazine 2
HEALTH & SAFETY AT WAR
A Brief report by Col. Mel Careful
As the Health & Safety Officer in charge of our brave men and women operating in Iraq and Afghanistan I
have prepared the following report which I hope my superiors will take into account when planning future
1) War. War is dangerous. During a
battle soldiers may be asked to charge
the enemy. This poses a great danger of
them tripping and thereby grazing their
2) Noise. The second Health & Safety
issue comes with noise. Battlefields are
notoriously noisy with guns being fired,
grenades being thrown and artillery
shells exploding. All these can harm the
fighting man’s sensitive eardrums.
3) Battlefields rarely have adequate toilet
facilities. This can lead to innumerable diseases and also risk the combatant being seen while performing the
toilet which can be very distressing.
4) Battle-fatigues do nothing for a soldier’s self-esteem. If the fighting man were permitted to do battle in his
dress uniform it would do wonders for morale.
5) The combat soldier needs a lot of calories to perform his duties but catering is notably poor in a battle zone.
Restaurant Areas should be set aside with proper 4 Star facilities where proper nutrition can be taken in a
6) Battlefields are also notoriously dirty and host a multitude of germs which can become ingrained under a
soldier’s fingernails. Proper washing facilities should be offered to our troops before and after every
engagement with the enemy. Wet wipes are not acceptable.
7) Though this may not apply to all soldiers or indeed to all situations, the mountainous terrain of Afghanistan
does pose the question of dealing with soldiers with phobias. In this case it would be the fear of heights
(acrophobia). Counsellors to deal with this should be available before deployment.
Pic by Christopher Macsurak