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Amock Comedy Magazine 2

“Beating a confession out of a suspect,” says Cmdr. Lal
Khan of Pakistan’s Punjabi Police Interim Brutality
Squad, explaining his force’s methods, “It is most
effective. Even if the miscreant is innocent it is acting
as the deterrent to future misconduct. Western police
forces have become too soft on crime and there is
nothing like a bit of applied brutality to bring the crime
statistics down. Our preferred method is the beating of
the soles of the feet with a bamboo cane. That makes
them squeal, I am telling you. Within minutes they are
confessing to theft, kidnapping, arson, sometimes
crimes they could not
possibly have committed
as they were hundreds of
miles away. But when my
boys are setting about
them they will tell you they
murdered their mother,
even if she is still alive.
So, we are having very good crime clear-up rate, but
structure of our society is necessary to tread very
carefully. Peasant is very sly chap and will often make
false claim against benevolent landlord for financial gain.
Take , for instance, classic case of peasant girl accusing
landlord of rapings. Immediately we are passing case
to Rapings Squad, Cpl Ali Khan (no relation) and
Constable Rafi Khan (relation, but very distant). They
are also attempt the rapings of the girl. If she is protest
then she might have case, but if she is saying ‘Come
on, big boy’ then we are suspecting that she is common
hussy and is trying it
It is with intuition like
this that we are
overcoming shortfall
in equipment.
We show no
favouritism when it
is coming to beating.
P r e s i d e n t s ,
politicians, women, children, it makes no difference to
us, we will beat anybody. And we guarantee no scars
remaining by the time the trial comes around in case
we are in hands of sympathetic, liberal, judge.
One time we even got a
peasant to confess to time-
travelling but that was just
our boys having a laugh. We are not charging him with
the offence.
There are many factors which are contributing to our
circumstance. Number one, we are a poor country and
cannot afford the crime-fighting equipment. Our forensic
department is one tracker dog, who is the alcoholic, and
one magnifying glass on which lens is cracked.
As I have said earlier, we are a poor country, and my
men are not well paid. I am therefore offering to
governments and police forces of all countries of world
opportunity to take advantage of Pakistani Police
experience. Let us come to your land and beat your
criminals for you. We will not be charging the much and
will bring our own bamboo canes. We are ready to
travel at minutes notice and only require deposit of 50%
in advance to be on plane. Please have suspect ready
and tied down with bare feet for maximum return on
your law enforcement investment.
But we are all well trained and are knowing the DNA
test, the Distinctly Near Assessment. For example I am
being called to investigate murder by stabbing and I am
noticing that victim’s blood has pooled in shape of chief
suspect’s face. I am immediately arresting and beating
confession from him. Widow of victim is very pleased
and is giving me large bribe and offering me daughter’s
hand in marriage.