“City dwellers will always be at a disadvantage when it comes to wooing farmyard animals,” said Mark Manure
at the opening of his Beastamour Fauna Friendly School. “We country folk know how to approach a sheep
with a winning word or seduce a pig with a subtle wink, but for the urbanite it’s difficult. He’s lost touch with his
rural past, and though he may long for the caress of a comely goat, he hasn’t the faintest idea of how to go
about romancing the object of his desire.”
Manure’s School, in the wilds of England’s Yorkshire will welcome these horny hopefuls and aims to teach
them the ancient lore that lies behind man’s love for animals.
“It ain’t easy, approaching a young pony what’s new to this kind of thing
and there’s many an investment banker had his teeth kicked clean out of
his mouth by a frisky un. I aint going to reveal no secrets here, you has
to pay £500 a week for them, but I will say that the magic is in the look.
You has to give ‘em a certain look, so’s they know you don’t mean ‘em
no harm.”
Manure, who has attracted disapproval from many in the animal lobby,
is adamant that his initiative is wholesome and worthwhile. “They say we’re a nation of animal lovers and
either we is or we isn’t.”
