Amock Comedy Magazine 2
GLOBAL WARMING OUT OF HAND
Climate change experts have claimed that global warming has led to so many changes in the natural order of
things that the human race may never return to the status quo it once knew.
“There will be no Francis Rossi for one thing,” said Dr Ken Swelter at the Institute for Applied Exaggeration in
He added, “The rise of obesity in the west is directly caused by the citizens eating ice cream to cool
He followed this with a list of things he attributes to the rise in global temperatures caused by human actions.
“Barrack Obama becoming US president is because of global warming, as is Spain winning the soccer World
Cup. The war in Iraq, the rise in the cost of Russian gas, the Greek economic crisis and my Aunt Maud getting
pregnant. We cannot continue like this.”
His Aunt Maud’s condition seemed an odd event to being into this list of cases but brought the following
response. “She was sunbathing in a bikini in her garden, due to the global warming, when she was spotted by
a chap who was overcome by lustiness at the sight of her semi-naked body. Nature took its course in the
spare bedroom, mainly because my uncle Malcolm was off working on the North Sea Oil Rigs.”
To solve the crisis Dr Swelter is proposing building a giant air conditioning unit and locating it in the Sahara
Desert. “It has to be a quality AC unit,” he insisted, “ because a crummy one just won’t do the job. Powering it
will be expensive but it doesn’t have to be on all the time. It could be controlled by a thermostat. My Aunt
Maud is looking for a guy called Geoff, by the way. Tall, brown hair, tattoo on his upper thigh. If you bump
into him, do pass on his whereabouts to her.”
Pic by Andrew Shansby
RIGHT OF REPLY
AS A RESPONSIBLE PUBLICATION WE HAVE MANAGED TO TRACK DOWN THE GEOFF REFERRED
TO ABOVE AND OFFERED HIM THE CHANCE TO MAKE A STATEMENT IN REBUTTAL.
It’s a pack of lies. For a start Maud is in her 50s and that picture above is of her niece, Gwen. As to stating
that I was overcome with lustiness at the sight of her in a bikini, that is nonsense. When I first saw her she
was in such a decrepit state I thought she was deceased. It was only when she waved at me that I realised
she was still alive. She asked me to help her shift some furniture which was, admittedly, in her spare bedroom,
but once there she leapt on me and had her evil way with me. I was not in a position to resist as I was weak
following a bout of plague which I contracted while doing missionary work in Africa. Maud told me she was on
the pill and I had nothing to worry about in the way of contraception. But it later came out that she was
desperate to get pregnant by another man to prove to Malcolm that she was still attractive and desirable.
Other than that, I agree with everything Ken says about the global warming thing.