Amock Comedy Magazine 1
SHARON: I broke up with Sleazy Simon.
JULIE: Thank God, I knew he wasn’t right for
SHARON: Mebbe, but it probably means I’m going
to end up an old maid.
JULIE: Gerroff, you’re younger than me.
SHARON: Oh right, three months.
JULIE: You’ve got years ahead of you. Plenty
of time to find Mr Right.
SHARON: Oh, they’re all Mr Right, it’s just that
they want me to do wrong.
JULIE: Men, they’re all dirty devils.
SHARON: Licorice, that’s what they are, licorice.
JULIE: I think you mean lecherous, sweets.
SHARON: Whatever. (SOBS)
JULIE: Now, don’t you go fretting over Sleazy
Simon, he wasn’t good enough for you.
SHARON: No, it’s not that I cared or nothing, but I
was having a little blub about it, just
because I thought I should, y’know,
and Mr Scrutton caught me and when I
told him all about it he got all interested
and started fiddling about with his
pants. Like a crazed man he was.
JULIE: What on Earth did you tell him?
SHARON: Just about Simon trying it on, putting
his hand on my leg and that.
JULIE: He is licorice, that one.
SHARON: And then he grabbed my head and
pulled it towards him and started
patting my hair. Said he was
JULIE: Comforting himself, more like.
SHARON: Started telling me about his problems
with his wife.
JULIE: You said he doted on her!
SHARON: Not since she ran away with a car
salesman. Sorry, I meant to tell you
JULIE: This is starting to sound sordid.
SHARON: It gets worse. He told me he’d always
been attracted to younger women, and
how pretty I was …
JULIE: Stop, stop, I can’t listen to no more.
SHARON: I think he fancies me.
JULIE: ‘Course he fancies you, you idiot.
You’re young, fresh, meat to a dirty ,
old, pervo like him.
SHARON: Well, I never encouraged him. I told
him the differences between us was
too great, me being five one and him
being six foot three with a 36” inside
JULIE: Good for you. What did he say?
SHARON: Said he’d have his legs surgically
JULIE: You’re kidding.
SHARON: I think he means it.
JULIE: Nah, he’s just acting the fool, trying to
cheer you up. Mebbe he’s not a pervo
SHARON: Are you sure, he’s got me worried, all
that fiddling with his trousers.
JULIE: No, relax, he’s not going to have his
legs cut off for you.
SHARON: So, he doesn’t fancy me?
JULIE: No, he’s joking you, trying to lift your
SHARON: Hope so, because he’s proposing
buying me stilts.
CATCH UP WITH MORE OF SHARON AND JULIE’S PHONE CONVERSATIONS IN THE NEXT ISSUE.