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Amock Comedy Magazine 1

HOW TO BE A MASTER CRIMINAL
her nature would help also as she will, not doubt,
require to vamp it up the hero in an attempt to distract
him. Do budget for extra-long
false eyelashes.
The last requirement, and
possibly the most important, is a
masterplan, for without one you
are no more than dilettante and
not really serious about
subjugating mankind. The
hijacking of nuclear missiles, the
raiding of Fort Knox, the
kidnapping of senior politicians,
should all be considered, but are
all a little passé in this modern
day and age. Our modern miscreant marvel is more
likely to be hacking into the networks of the world’s
major military powers and confounding their firewalls.
Not as visual but this isn’t a movie, after all.
Yet, for the budding ne’er-do-well
mastermind there is little guidance
on how to proceed with such a
career. After one tires of robbing
post offices and breaking into
supermarkets the ambitious felon is
left to his own devices as to how to
progress. Here, therefore, is a brief
guide which those with a lust for world domination
might wish to consider.
Firstly, one requires a suitably demonic name. Joe
Smith just isn’t going to cut it in the big league. Try
and go for something that is likely to strike terror into
the general populace, and a title is almost mandatory.
Dr Death, Lord Larceny, Baron Beastly, that sort of
thing.
Demands of billions of dollars should now be made to
the UN and a deadline set. This should all be done
according to a pre-established timetable, child’s play
to one who has a brain the size of a planet and the
morals of a rabid rat. Your adversary, the hero, will
no doubt try to interfere with your plans at this point.
He will, at some point, fall into your clutches and it is
imperative that you do not imprison him, torture him or
question him. Shoot him dead the minute he turns up.
Don’t leave it your hirelings, just take a gun and shoot
him dead on the spot. Many potential greats have
failed in their dreams because they have allowed this
do-gooder to work out a way to escape and call up the
cavalry.
The next requirement is for a criminal lair and the
more outlandish its location, the better. Icebergs,
volcanoes, desert islands or remote castles are more
than suitable.
Thirdly one will require a henchman or sidekick. He
should be immensely physically powerful and
hopefully have some feature such as metal teeth or a
steel-rimmed bowler hat to mark him out. It is he who
will have to wrestle with the hero, as you are the
brains behind the operation, not the muscle, known
more for your ability to plan destruction rather than
deliver a right uppercut.
Following this recipe should set you up well as a
criminal mastermind.
Fourthly you will need a moll. Pretty but stupid is
probably an apt description. A touch of the floozy in
Good luck with your career and do let us know how
you get on.
The annals of fiction are full of master criminals and
evil geniuses. From Sherlock Holmes’ Professor
Moriarty to James Bond’s Doctor
No, to Superman’s Lex Luthor,
each dashing hero must have a
worthy nemesis to prove his
credentials.
 
 
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