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Amock Comedy Compendium

pointy things.”
“Of course, of course,” Sandy offered, also
“And what will the laird be doing with his
trying to add oil to the troubled waters, “but
spherical pyramid?”
it’s strange how many of your gentlemen
“He needed a new venue for his annual sexual
friends are fresh off the rigs with wages in their
deviance convention. The barn was getting a
pockets.”
bit drafty and the theme for this year is to be
Brenda’s lips curled into a sneer. “They are
the tribadism and frottage.”
interesting, unlike some daft old codgers
They drank a toast to the new edifice and once
who’ve never set foot off the island.”
again only the ticking of the clock on the wall
“I have been to Oban!” Sandy retorted, stung
broke the silence.
by her rebuke at his lack of exploratory zeal,
“Speaking of lesbians,” Fergus murmured
“And it is a fine place if you’ve a mind for
quietly, “young Peter is thinking of taking up
spanking and dressing in women’s underwear,
the homosexuality.”
but you know yourself that it is Uraigh for the
“No, I never took him for the type.”
real debauchery.”
“He was tempted by a Burmese juggler the last
“Debauchery?” Brenda snorted in reply, “The
time he was in Edinburgh at the Festival. And
most
he wants to be a pop star as well.”
debauched
“Oh, it will be mandatory then. You cannot
thing that
achieve chart success unless you are willing to
has
be accommodating. That’s written in stone.”
happened in
“I thought it was written on the toilet wall.”
Uraigh in
“Och, you’re the funny one, Sandy,” Fergus
the past
said, giving his friend a playful nudge, “Fine
fifty years
well you know it’s only Brenda’s phone number
was the
that’s on the toilet wall.”
time the
Brenda, having overheard this sally, slammed
school
the glass she was polishing down on the bar.
teacher’s
“I heard that!” she protested, “It’s not my
lipstick was
phone number at all. Some joker has just
found on old Calum’s collar.”
written my name up there with a spurious
A look of fear flashed across Sandy’s eyes, but
number.”
he recovered quickly. “Mr MacPherson was a
“Calm yourself, Brenda,” Fergus soothed, “We
fine schoolteacher and regarding the school
knew fine well it wasn’t you. A lassie with your
rabbit, all charges were dropped.”
business acumen would have had a price list
Brenda shrugged and disappeared to answer
up next to the phone number.”
the phone.
But Brenda was to not to be so easily placated.
The two old coves’ eyes flashed at each other
“I do not sell my body,” she insisted, “If I have
and secret messages were passed. Brenda
relations with a gentleman it is because I find
brought another two pints, once again supplied
him attractive.”
by the American and once again the pair
 
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