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Amock Comedy Compendium

But the crowd seemed to be not so easily accepting. A slow chant began, “Zemba, Zemba …”, which filled
Derek’s soul with dread.
As the chant grew in volume the biggest man Derek had ever seen pushed his way through the crowd towards
them. He was bigger even than Vorga with a great mass of unruly red hair on his head. His biceps, bulging from
beneath his tattered furs, were bigger than Derek’s head and his beard seemed like the fiery breath emanating
from a dragon’s maw. But it was his eyes that most struck fear in Gladys’s boy. They were dark and deep set
and should have disappeared inside that giant head, whereas they shone like beacons. This was Zemba.
Despite this Derek tried to make light of the situation. “Bit of a mismatch, isn’t it?”
But Vorga looked puzzled. “Mismatch?”
“Trial of strength? Test of manhood? Struggle to the death.”
“Nay, stranger,” Vorga laughed, “Think ye that we are barbarians? Zemba is our resident social worker.”
NORM FOUNDS NEW RELIGION
New York dentist, Norm Sacrilegious, has invented a new faith which he claims could end religious strife
throughout the world. The new religion, to be called Shasbah, will be unveiled during a revelation next week.
"The world has been crying out for a new religion for centuries," Norm explained, "because all the popular
religions have failed to see into the future and meet the needs of a modern world. Our religion will be wise to
the computer, internet and International Space Station, what other religion can claim that? Shasbah is a
monotheistic religion with only one God. His name is George, though that may be an alias."
Norm is the self- proclaimed messenger
of Shasbah, and went on to state the
requirements of this new faith.
"What religions do is control you by
defining what you can eat and drink.
They dress this up and call them
Commandments or some such. Our
requirements are not God-given,
because I made them up last Tuesday
In any case, the consumption of pizza
is definitely forbidden to followers
of Shasbah, unless they are of
Chinese origin and only during the
summer. Similarly, alcohol is
forbidden, but only between 3.00 and 3.10 GMT on the 8th of August, unless it falls on a Thursday.
They have very strict rules concerning sexual relations and Norm is currently considering banning it all
together. “A celibate society is a clean society,” he insisted, “Only the higher echelons of the faith’s clergy, like
what I am, will be permitted any sexual activity. You can join the upper echelons of the clergy for a modest
fee.”
Norm hopes to declare a religious war once he has a few followers, though he hasn’t yet decided who he will
confront in his crusade or jihad. “Sorry, but that’s what we religious folk do,” he explained.
 
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