Amock Comedy Compendium
There is no doubt that you will enjoy owning your first
domestic robot. You will love it, your wife will love it
and your kids will love it. Your dog will hate it.
external cleanliness and this will require you to hose it
down in the garden at least once a week. Be careful,
as it is not totally waterproof. Alternatively it can be
ordered to visit the local car wash on a regular basis,
though do remember to give it only enough cash for a
basic wash as waxing and polishing are not really
The thing is, dogs don’t’ understand robots. They
look and act like humans, but don’t smell like them.
They smell like a cross between your car and your PC
and this is confusing to the canine brain. But do not
despair. Your dog will not live for much longer than
12 years, whereas your robot will probably outlast
On the culinary front the machine is adequate rather
than inspired. It can indeed be programmed with
every meal recipe known to man, as the advertising
states, but its cooking style is mechanical to
say the least. Without
taste buds it has no way
of judging a dish and one
small error in its onboard
recipe database can lead
to a very salty meringue.
The multi-purpose, domestic robot is of
course extremely versatile and will come
pre-programmed with various domestic
chores such as cooking and cleaning.
Additional software can be bought
which will enable it to perform tasks
such as car and home maintenance.
The children’s entertainment
package is, however, flawed, as
any order to walk a tightrope in the
garden will prove. This is not to
say that your machine is
inherently unstable, and its
awkward walk can easily be
compared to Buddy coming home after eight beers.
The sports model is of course
ideal for the health conscious
family. There is no better
golfing partner as it has no
qualms about carrying
everyone’s clubs in a foursome.
With its laser guided vision, lost
balls are also a thing of the past.
At tennis too it is unbeatable. This is literally true;
unless you adjust its upper body strength it will serve
a succession of aces that will destroy you. It is in the
pool, however, that the machine is finally beaten.
Your domestic robot is not buoyant and will sink like a
stone. The children may find this amusing, but it will
cost you thousands of dollars to winch the unit from
the bottom of the pool and have it professionally dried
out. Your wife’s hair dryer will not do the job.
The voice recognition software is also not perfected.
A slurred command to boil an egg can lead to the
poor machine searching for a neck to boil. Orders
should be given clearly and succinctly with no
prospect of ambiguity. For instance, ‘Go away’ is not
a command you should give your unit, as it is likely
that it will next be spotted in Mongolia.
The manufacturers have, surprisingly, not included
any software to allow the machine to maintain its own
It must also be said that the robot has absolutely no
interest in your naked body or its functions. If it has a