Amock Comedy Compendium
Opinion by Dr. Hiram Loveless
I know you’re fed up to the back teeth with hearing about global warming, but I have amazing new evidence
that it is caused by sex.
But first the science behind my conclusions. You are no doubt aware that when you rub two
items together you create friction and therefore heat. So, obviously, when you rub two humans
together you create an incredible amount of heat. And, let’s face it, there are millions of people
every day who are rubbing aginst each other and the amount of heat created is enormous.
Some sex addicts are doing it two or three times a day and that’s just a prescription for
suicide, because every sexual act is raising the temperature by a fraction of a degree. And
millions of fractions of a degree make a lot!
The thing is,
when you’re having sex, your metabolism is racing and your body is like a small furnace,
heat. And when your activities reach their natural conclusion, well, that’s
just like a
firework going off.
important facts to consider. Illicit sex is a definite no-no, especially if
is nearby, because you create even more heat when you’re nervous.
Oh, and orgies are
definitely out. You could cook a steak pie with the heat coming off ten
people going at it hammer and tongs.
Positions are important too. Missionary is
cool, but doggy is hot. Your choice of partner
reflects how much heat you radiate too. If
you’re hot for a woman, you probably will be.
I’m not suggesting you go after the less
attractive, but average to pretty is usually about
right. Try to avoid ‘hot’ babes as every time
one of them growls seductively the planet
loses five minutes of its life.
You see it’s not just friction that causes the rise in temperature, you also have to take account of the
excitement factor. This means that sex with a wife you’ve been married to for five years rates about 1,
whereas sex with a mistress is worth at least a 5 and sex with Charlize Theron is going to take you way up to
So, the message should be that by cutting down on the amount of sex we have we are saving the planet.
Luckily, there is a way for you to get some sexual pleasure without destroying the environment. It doesn’t
involve recycling or cutting carbon emissions, just having sex in a bath of cold water. Your heat will be
transferred to the water and will
not affect the global temperature. You
can also take the bath water
you’ve just heated up and make a nice
cup of tea. And let’s face it, you’ll
need it after your exertions.