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Amock Comedy Compendium

lady is simplicity itself, knowing their propensity for fresh fish.
Once these preliminary mating rituals are completed you would normally, with a human
female, expect to move on to more
intimate forms of hand to hand combat and
similar bodily exploration. Most
species enjoy this, the Velderon more
than most, though it has been
suggested that they are actually
searching your skin for the fleas
and ticks with which they augment
their diet. After feasting on you
they will have an insatiable thirst for
stoat juice, so do ensure that you
have an adequate supply.
This article, being written by one of
delicate sensibilities, will not venture
into the actual mechanics of the
human/alien mating process but a manual
on this will no doubt be available shortly as a download from the NASA website.
On a final note I must remind you amorous astronauts that alien women are notorious for
not respecting you in the morning, so don’t expect a call.
ROCK GOD TO STAND FOR PRESIDENT
Rock God, Phil Eardrum, lead guitarist with The
Nostrils, and a man who has
been declared clinically dead
twice, is to stand for President
at the next elections on a
fascist platform.
that tray of vol au vents, or that car out on the street,
the blue Audi, not the Honda.
They take our jobs and our
women and eat blubber. Lots of
blubber. When did you last see
any blubber? See, the bloody
pygmy Eskimos have got it all,
so we don’t get none. They plan
to bring the world to its knees by
cornering the world’s supply of
blubber and it’s down to us to
stop them. If you think you spot
a pygmy Eskimo, even if he’s
disguised as a small boulder,
you go and give him a good
kicking. We need to reclaim our
country and our heritage. And
our blubber.”
V
E
L U
C
E X
“I got the idea from a book
about camping, man,” he said
in his penthouse flat in LA last
night. “The fascist thing is all
about picking on a minority
and blaming then for all of
society’s problems. So, I’ve
decided that it’s bloody pygmy
Eskimos that are responsible
for all our ills and should be
persecuted.”
He was ready for the argument that pygmy Eskimos
were remarkable for being relatively unknown, far less
as the engines of our destruction.
Eardrum also claimed that his last stay at a rehab
clinic (his nineteenth) had finally cured him of his
addiction to psychedelic drugs. “It’s nothing but
blubber for me from now on, man,” he said before
sweeping off to his next gig with his entourage of
blonde dentists. “They can’t disguise themselves as
blonde dentists, everybody knows that.”
“They’re masters of disguise, see. They learn it at
their mother’s knee and it’s ingrained in them.
They’re everywhere and we don’t know about about it.
That chair there, that could be a pygmy Eskimo, or
S I
 
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