Amock Comedy Compendium
the living room window by a passerby; upstairs on the pretext of lifting a heavy box you are
as vulnerable as a lamb in the middle of a pride of lions.
An older woman standing helpless by the roadside also constitutes immense danger. The
changing of her tyre will doubtless cause you to become rather covered with grime and the
offer of a nearby bathroom to 'freshen' up, which will again involve the removal of clothing.
The intelligent young man would rather go home covered in grease than be smeared with the
make up of an older woman, no matter how expensive and pleasant smelling.
Teachers are especially dangerous as they can offer their students higher grades in return
for a night of pensioner passion, and rejecting them may be fraught with peril if your
ambition lies towards the academic. As one can't refuse the teacher's offer with a simple
statement of the truth, such as, 'You are old and fat and I would rather have a liaison with a
hippopotamus' and similar insults, you must instead resort to blatant lies such as 'I respect
you too much to do what you ask' or 'I am dying of an incurable disease'. On no account
use a line such as 'I am too young to satisfy your sophisticated needs' as this is what is
turning them on in the first place.
Other powerful older women that the young man must be wary of include policewomen
and politicians. They are in predatory positions and cannot resist giving in to their instincts.
The cop may offer to overlook small misdemeanours for certain favours. These favours will
doubtless include handcuffing you to bedposts for nefarious purposes but can be avoided by
claiming to have a contagious disease. Of course, if tasered into submission by said cop, the
victim has no option but to surrender his virtue. The politician on the other hand is more
likely to offer money or position as an inducement. But remember, at some point in the
future you may have to tell your grandchildren that your success in life was down to one
sweaty night in a hotel room wrestling with the Beast From Beyond.
The thing is older women rarely look like Stifler's Mom (whose first name is Janine, by the
way) they tend to look more like Stallone's Mom. And that, unfortunately, is a step too far.