A Rottweiler, Frank & I
HEROISM IN THE FACE OF BOREDOM
For somebody who had rarely had cause to even consult a G.P, an
extended stay in hospital was a new experience. Not having any
obvious symptoms meant day after day of waiting with nothing to do –
especially as the NHS patient day is very long with routine tests
performed at 0700 and 2230 and the time in between being
punctuated only by noise. Whilst waiting, I could not actually leave the
hospital as I would then lose my place and the operation would not be
performed as planned.
A patient in the next bed had obviously suffered a head injury and was
not yet “compos mentis”. The meals were delivered to him and then
collected some time later – “Not hungry today then?” Many – but not
all nurses – were clearly graduates of the Rosa Kleb School of Nursing.
I can only imagine that this was how it felt to be a prisoner of war – I of
course had the stoic Alec Guinness type role. “…despite this
overbearingly intense heat, we must stand together against the enemy
chaps…” [Steady on now, don’t overdo the metaphor.]
Eventually, after the operation and nearly a week of post operative
monitoring, I was released back into society and there followed an
anxious wait for the definitive biopsy result. This was eventually
communicated to me at home [by telephone] as being; “No trace of
This mantra was then repeated endlessly in the face of my obvious
questions. The result had of course identified the need for another
broom cupboard liaison. What does it all mean – am I now OK?
Which of the following do you believe to have applied?
A. A bearded, very irritating man came out from behind the curtain
and revealed that it was all a jolly TV prank.
B. I was advised that “it is illegal to discriminate against tumours
and therefore the matter was being taken very seriously [Sir]”
C. It was later revealed as a gross act of negligence on behalf of
the hospital and I appeared on GMTV [being interviewed by the
“twittering” one] as well as receiving handsome compensation.
D. It was simply a fact that the bits they originally took out could not
be identified in the Haynes Manual for Brain Surgery and further
samples would be required to classify it. A Stereo-tactic biopsy
will now beckon; what is this? Have you ever seen an Eskimo fish?