INTRODUCTION
by
Crafty's long-suffering owner
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D |
og is man's best friend and we love him for it. So it's perfectly natural that many of us bestow upon our dog everything his canine heart desires.
But do you ever have that feeling that your dog is deliberately disobeying you or trying to wind you up? When he's out playing with his doggy pals, do you get a sneaking suspicion that he's conspiring with them against you?
And what about those times you've caught him chasing the neighbour's cat or chewing up your best shoes? Was he just 'doing what comes naturally' to a dog, or does your canine companion have a hidden agenda?
Of course we all know our dog has neither the desire nor the intellect to inflict deliberate mischief on humans.
Or does he?
This book, ably illustrated by Crafty Canine and his friends, examines those uniquely canine habits that constantly cause us irritation, exasperation and sometimes major humiliation – from Crafty's point of view.
GLOSSARY OF TECHNICAL TERMS
AGILITY: A lively form of dog training which requires canines to negotiate a number of obstacles at speed. Also provides first-rate exercise for humans as they blunder round the course in an effort to keep up with hurtling dogs.
BATH: Large container of water around and in which dogs and humans do battle in an effort to remain dry.
BEHAVIOURIST: Up-market kind of dog-trainer, a human with above-average dog-sense and who's well-versed in an assortment of dirty tricks.
BLOOD PRESSURE: Normally prefixed with 'high'. A condition of humans which frequently occurs during attempts to dog-train. Usually accompanied by reddening of the face and prolonged use of expletives.
CANINE: A member of a race of superior, supremely intelligent and independent four-legged beings. More often referred to by humans as the dog.
CANINE-NESS: The essence of being dog.
See also dog-sense.
COLLAR and LEAD: Restraining device used on dogs by humans in an attempt to restrict or prevent normal canine behaviour.
See also harness.
CRAFTY'S CANINE CODE: A set of rules which all Crafty Canine's followers must endeavour to adhere to.
DIRTY TRICKS: Cunning tactics employed by certain humans who possess a modicum of dog-sense, and who have the desire to corrupt unwary dogs.
DODGEMS: A game of skill played by free-running dogs which helps them evade capture by humans.
DOG: A member of the canine race.
DOG HANDLER: A human who, armed with a high degree of cunning and an arsenal of dirty tricks, succeeds in out-smarting a dog
See also dog trainer.
DOG POUND: Lock-up where wandering canines are taken to await either reunion with their family or transportation to a high-security unit. Also describes the headache humans often get when engaged in dog-training.
DOG-SENSE: That which makes a canine think and behave like a dog. Also the ability of a small group of humans to understand canine behaviour.
DOG TRAINER: human possessing the ability to convince dogs they should be subservient to their families. dog trainers are generally believed to possess a greater degree of dog-sense then the average human.
See also dog handler and behaviourist.
DOG TRAINING: Exercises undertaken to some extent by most humans who are owned by a dog. Generally, futile attempts to prevent canine foul-ups. Often carried out in groups known as training classes.
See also obedience.
DOG SHOW: An odd form of sport in which dogs are exhibited and judged for beauty and/or intelligence according to guidelines drawn up by humans.
See also agility, obedience, fly-ball, working trials
DOG WARDEN: Officious human whose sole purpose is to roam the streets with a catchpole rounding up unwary canines with a view to transporting them to maximum-security facilities.
FAMILY: Group of humans, often living together in a single home.
FLY-BALL: Rather silly variety of agility in which dogs race over a series of small jumps, release a ball from a box then hurtle back, carrying the ball, over the same obstacles.
FOUL-UP: Any action or activity that brings satisfaction to a dog while causing stress or humiliation to a member of the family.
GERMOPHOBIA: A serious mental condition of humans that causes them to inflict extreme hygiene measures on the dog and around the home.
HARNESS: Multi-strapped collar buckled round the canine chest which allows a dog to haul his human along in a fashion worthy of a Shire horse.
HUMAN: An inferior, two-legged being, usually deficient in dog-sense. Since most humans are great fun to play with they make perfect pets for canines.
OBEDIENCE: Variety of dog training frequently executed in advanced form at dog shows. If taken to extremes can lead to a canine becoming devoid of dog-sense.
PERFECT DOG: Mythological canine who does everything his human asks of him, doesn't make a mess or a noise and never causes embarrassment to his family.
The perfect dog (if indeed such a creature existed) would be considered by other dogs to be a traitor, a disgrace to canine-kind.
POLICE DOG: A canine who, in striving to become the perfect dog, has abandoned crafty's canine code and devotes his life to assisting humans in the detection and/or apprehension of criminals.
SOFT-TOUCH: A human who readily succumbs to canine charm.
TRAINING CLASS: canine playground where humans gather in order to test their skill at dog-training and where dogs meet for a touch of social foul-up fun.
VETERINARY SURGEON: Animal medic. Highly-educated human commonly known as the vet. Can be useful to an unwell dog but has a propensity for inserting blunt instruments in, and performing surgery on, canine private parts.
WORKING TRIALS: Style of competitive dog-training based on the work of police dogs in which canines are required to undertake a series of obedience and agility tests, and to use their superior scenting ability to locate a number of small articles that humans have left lying about.
CRAFTY'S CANINE CODE
1. Maintain dominance over your Family at all times.
2. Treat all members of the Family with equal disrespect.
3. Avoid Obedience Training at all costs.
4. Never succumb to any form of bribery.
5. Always behave in such a way as to cause maximum stress and humiliation to your Human Family.
6. Be creative: keep constantly on the look-out for new and exciting Foul-ups.